BIRMINGHAM...DAMN: I really must stop watching so much television -- it adds pounds, distracts me from writing and makes me realize that so many people in America are mentally challenged. Of course, I'm talking about American Idol, which showcased the Birmingham auditions tonight. The freaks just keep on coming...all ages, shapes and sizes.

Of the memorable "auditions" tonight, the 50-year-old woman named Margaret who claimed to be 26 and looked like a two-ton Big Bird was the hottest. This woman was just wanting face time to either appease the demons in her head or get on tv to talk about her clothing line for big girls. If the choice was between big mama's designs or a garbage bag, I'd say go with the Hefty.

The sympathy vote of the evening was the for the North Carolina girl who sounded like she'd just fallen off the cornpone truck. She said her daddy caught her mama cheating on him -- for the fourth or fifth time -- and shot her and then himself. He's now paralyzed from the neck down. Only in the South, folks.

Then you had the spawn of Jack Osbourne/Jack Black with Sideshow Bob hair who said his goal was to make David Hasselhoff cry. You may remember that during last year's finale, the former Baywatcher was seen in the audience sobbing like a little girl after Taylor Hicks' big win. What a pansy-ass. Anyway, turns out Jack/Jack could actually sing and Paula, who was definitely on uppers at this audition, was bouncing off the walls. Oh, I almost forgot the Cousin It mother/daughter combo (one is pictured here) who had enough split ends between them to keep Vidal Sassoon in business for eternity.

The show ended with Brandy. She was a foul-mouthed hoochie who said her first song -- a screech owl version of "Like A Virgin" -- was hampered by the hardwood floor she had to stand on. So, they let her go over to the carpet, where she proceeded to mangle Creedence Clearwater Revival/Tina Turner's "Proud Mary" (complete with unsynchronized arm gyrations). Paula was absent for the last part of the auditions because she had to fly back to LA for "family matters" (i.e. none of the Alabama pharmacies would fill her prescriptions). Brandy said if Paula had been there she would have gotten through. Quite possibly, Brandy, quite possibly.

Before I settled in for Idol, I spent part of the afternoon at the Carver Schools in Atlanta doing a class on poetry. I'll blog about that tomorrow.


Anonymous said…
There are plenty of freakjobs, as you well know, in LA. I'm sure those audition shows are going to be worse. You forgot to mention the trailer park girl who started the show last night wearing the halter top. She made Paula run to the corner of the room, or maybe that was the drugs.

Jennifer said…
I like your pic of the girl with the horrible hair! I hope you are watching the L-Word now!

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