GOP SUCKY SUCKY TIME: If you haven't heard of Florida State Rep. Bob Allen and Idaho Senator Larry Craig, allow me to make introductions. Both are right-wing Republicans who have voted against gay marriage, civil rights, gay adoption and anything else that even whiffs of gay -- they also like to suck cock in public restrooms. What we have here are a couple of pathetic, self-loathing, hypocrites who have been caught, literally, with their dicks in their hands.

Allen's July arrest in a public restroom in a Titusville park didn't get much coverage until recently. Allen (looking guilty as hell in his mug shot above) offered a hunky, black undercover cop a blow job and $20 for the privilege. Not only is Allen a cheap fag, but after he was busted for solicitation, he said he thought the man was going to beat and rob him, so it was "black panic" that made him want to get on his knees and smoke a little rope. Uh-huh...explain it to your wife and constituents Bob.

In June, Craig was busted in a Minneapolis airport bathroom after he started playing footsie with an undercover cop in a bathroom stall. The cop said Craig (pictured below in his arrest mug shot) was peaking through the crack in the door and then went into the next stall, dropped trou and started rubbing his foot against the cop's and making the universal "hand job" sign under the partition. The cop responded by sticking his badge under the divider and arrested Craig for lewd conduct.

Of course, both men are screaming to the mountaintops that they are NOT GAY. Allen said he was intimidated by all the scary black men he was cruising in the park and rather than "become a statistic," he would just offer a little head. Craig, who has been dogged by rumors of being gay for 20 years, said the cop was mistaken and the Idaho Statesman newspaper was conducting a "witch hunt" against him. Larry, baby, the newspaper didn't make you go into the airport bathroom for anonymous pole polishing. Here at the Atlanta airport, if you stand too long at the urinal and shake your dick one to many times, the undercover cops will arrest you. Don't get me wrong, I like a little slap and tickle in semi-public places, but any fool can tell you that airport bathrooms and public parks are guaranteed tickets to the pokey.

Craig said he had a "wide stance" when taking a leak and his foot might have accidentally strayed into the next stall. As for the hand job signal, Craig said he was merely picking up a piece of paper he had dropped. The cop said Craig was full of shit. Craig pled guilty to a misdemeanor earlier this month, and must have thought he had given the press the slip, but it came out (HA!) yesterday. Craig realized today that pleading guilty was an admission to the Christian terrorists and right-wing Repubes that he was indeed a homo. He now says he overreacted by pleading guilty and wants to take it back. Uh-huh...tell it to your wife and the senate ethics committee, which is going to run you out of Washington.

It's terrible that these two middle-aged men are still living in the closet. I feel sorry for them in that respect, but what enrages me is that they have hidden their sexuality by aligning themselves with bigots and religious zealots. The worst kind of 'mo is the self-loathing kind, and Craig and Allen are archetypes. Get some therapy and stop condemning your own kind to second class citizenry. You may not be able to admit it to yourself, so let me help you: Larry Craig and Bob are soooooooooooooooooooooo gay. I mean, really, dudes, seriously gay. Gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. *

*Thanks to Weeds for that fagulous line.


Peter said…
It's pretty incredible, isn't it.
Enraging and pathetic all at once.

I'm not sure theses guys are "gay" though.

I think they are merely straight men who sometimes like sex with men. Nothing wrong with that.

But they should not be hating on others. It's awfully hypocritical. Not to mention self-loating. And what goes around . . .
Collin said…
Bob Allen might be bi-curious and wanting to lick the lollypop for shits and giggles, but Larry Craig is a big 'mo. He's been fucking men for more than 20 years, including allegations of putting the tip into senate page boys. Either way, to paraphrase Judy Burnly, they're sexist, egotisticalm lying, hypocritical bigots. :)
i think the fat one likes little boys sucking on his weenie after he pigs out at Golden Corral.

Word Veri: Hi Off Ho !!!
Rachel Mallino said…
Collin, I loooove your rants. =)
Anonymous said…
This is so funny CK. It made me laugh out loud this morning. Its hot here now. Temps in the 90s. I blame you.

If this was at all surprising, I would be speechless. Alas I am just rolling my eyes. The senate and congress is FILLED with men being around men talking only to men. I mean, there are probably so many who could just spend entire weeks never having to interact with a single woman....they're probably all gay.
Lisa Allender said…
I agree Coll, they're gay. But it's soooo disgusting to see grown men hide who they ARE.It's just ridiculous--but I can't laugh, because every time this happens, it turns into "Ooh, they're gay.Run them out of office."
It seems to me, if the hetero guys can seek out prostitutes, bed numerous girlfriends, cheat on their wives, etc..and STILL stay in office, why do gay men -- pardon the expression---get the shaft?
NOT THAT I WANT THESE Nazi-Conservative, HYPOCRITICAL GUYS to be in office, but I hope the REASON they're being run out, is because they lie and misrepresent themselves, not because they are gay, or engage in gay sex...

Popular Posts