AMERICAN IDOL 7 - GUYS WEEK 2: The guys were back this week singing songs from the 70s and filling my ears with mostly mediocrity. The AI producers, judges, Ms. Gaycrest, et al can keep trying to make viewers believe this is the most talented bunch ever, but those drugs don't work on me, bitches. Maybe Paula, but not me. There's three guys worth keeping, and one is David Archuleta (pictured). He's the fucking Terminator. If the Sarah Conner Chronicles (still my favorite show on American TV right now) ever needs another cute, unstoppable machine, don't look any further.
Michael Johns: I have seen Lindsey Buckingham and you, sir, are no Lindsey Buckingham. Covering Fleetwood Mac's classic Go Your Own Way was not a good choice for th Aussie. It had none of Buckingham's passion although Michael was vocally mimicking him. He'll stick around because you can hear all the girls' panties sliding to the floor the moment he walks on stage.
Jason Castro: He's such a pretty granola lesbian, I don't even think he should be with the guys. He played the guitar again (it's becoming a prop to hide behind) and sang I Just Wanna Be Your Everything, which was horrible. His vocal was thin and weak. Terrible song choice, too. Sorry, Andy Gibb. Will probably be safe because there were a couple others who were much worse.
Luke Menard: He should have gone home last week, but he survived to sing badly again. This time he picked Queen's Killer Queen, a fabulous slice of 70s glam rock, but as Simon put it, his vocal was whiney and lacking charisma. He said in his interview clip that he's been singing with the a cappella group Chapter 6 for years and has toured all over the world. You can have him. Should be going home Thursday night.
Robbie Carrico: The fake rocker got all defensive when Randy said he just didn't have the voice to carry off Foreigner's Hot Blooded. That's because he's a pop singer from a failed boy band desperately trying to prove he's not a sissy pants. The interview clip showing him drag racing made me laugh out loud. Go cut your split ends and apply to sing at Six Flags, douche.
Danny Noriega: Speaking of killer queens, Miss Thang worked it out singing The Carpenters' Superstar. Randy and Paula thought he was "concentrating" too much on the song (whatever the hell that means), while Simon said he was better than last week and looked good on camera. He's gayer than a picnic basket in June. The girls scream bloody murder when he comes out -- just like with Sanjaya -- which means they either don't know or don't care he's a big 'mo.
David Hernandez: He's not one of my favorites, but he totally blew me away with his cover of Papa Was A Rolling Stone. I can't even hate on him. It was flawless.
Jason Yeager: Should have gone home last week, and better be going home Thursday. Only two groups have ever pulled off Long Train Running -- The Doobie Brothers and, shockingly, Bananarama (I'm not kidding, look it up). The judges ripped him to shreds and he looked like he was about to cry like a little girl. Dry your tears and dye that circa-1998 blonde streak out of your hair, or keep it and go to work folding sweaters at Abercrombie & Fitch.
Chikezie: Talk about a comeback! Jacuzzi did Donny Hathaway's I Believe and really just killed it. He ditched the leisure suit and picked a song with some soul. You go, Chikoozball!
David Cook: OH.MY.GOD. How much do I hate this obnoxious fuck? He sang All Right Now and accompanied himself on electric guitar. The sneery, over-confidence is such a turn off and the bad comb-forward hair to hide that he's balding is becoming less an issue than the mullet he's growing in the back. Please, America, I beg you...don't let this preening bastard get to the Top 12.
David Archuleta: The girls in the audience lost their shit when Gaycrest just said his name. He took a big chance by covering Imagine by John Lennon, but it was beyond flawless. His voice is so pure it must be alien technology at work. Simon said he was the one to beat this season and Paula's pills must have been kicking in, because she was crying and said she wanted to "hang him from her rearview mirror."
The girls sing tomorrow night.