OKAY, I LIED: I started watching the "best and worst of the rest" audition episode of American Idol and the snarky comments started writing themselves. Although I said there would be no recap, I am a fickle 'mo, so let's get right to it.
Tiffany was dressed in her grandmother's 1970s church dress and said God gave her a great voice to sing with. After she moaned her way through some gospel hymn, Simon asked if God had a return policy. Heeee!
Next was the Double Shot of Douche -- meathead twins Corey and Chris, pictured, who are banging the same girl, a country slut named Ashley. She looked like the three input type (look it up) and the boys were definitely double-teaming. They tried some whack ass white boy rap and Ashley screamed some song I can't remember, while the twins told Ryan Gaycrest "she's not that good." No more rusty trombones (look that up, too) for those boys.
There was a few good singers, then Alesha Stahl came along as the evening's biggest time-filler. Although she kinda looked like a stripper with terrible bleach-blonde hair, it was her air raid siren voice that was the big turn off. Randy and Paula, evidently sipping from the same spiked cup, thought she sounded like Dolly Parton! I hope Dolly is calling up her lawyers right now. After butchering a Celine Dion song, they told her to go learn a Dolly song (she didn't even know who Dolly was, but Miss Gaycrest just happened to know her entire back catalog -- shock!). They let her come back and sing Islands in the Stream badly and put her through to Hollywood. Talk about scratching the bottom of the barrel.
Joshua "Jay Smooth" Moreland came pimped out in a bright red hoodie, sunglasses and boasting he was a recording artist with the "wow factor." And that wow was for, "wow you suck and are a big closet homo." He sang his original song -- written for the ladies, uh-huh -- and started throwing glitter everywhere. There was more time-filling after his audition as Simon and Gaycrest traded gay bon mots about sweeping up the glitter. Tee-hee.
After a montage of Simon mispronouncing contestants names (mostly on purpose it seemed), they let Chikezie Eze (if my mama had named me that, I'd punch her in the face) through to Hollywood after over-emoting Luther Vandross' All The Woman I Need. The last contestant was a mincing little boy named Danny Noriega, who could be this season's Sanjaya if he makes it to the real competition. When he announced he was singing Proud Mary, I was ready for a Tina Turner drag extravaganza, but he actually could sing and they put him through.
This year, the contestants can play instruments in the Hollywood round, but it still looks like there are plenty of tears and train wrecks to come as the real competition gets under way next week.