American Idol 8 - Kansas City Auditions
Thanks to YouTube and other sites who have posted clips and commentaries, I have been able to piece together a brief recap for tonight's American Idol auditions in Kansas City.
Let's just jump right in with Von Smith, a cross between Jason Mraz and every drama fag you went to high school with. He's been called a plant because he was on The View and has clips all over YouTube of his performances, including a diva version of "I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" that is beyond camp. After clearing his throat of some phlegm, he belted out an over the top version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." He's a one trick pony in a seriously ugly hat. New judge Kara said Von Smith had "a really big instrument" (snicker) and they unanimously sent him to Hollywood. He should have used his Rosie O'Donnell hook up and gone to Broadway instead. Did I ever mention how much I hate musical theatre? Yes, I know...bad gay.
Last season's resident stoner, Jason "Janice Muppet" Castro, returned to pimp out his younger brother, Michael (pictured). Sweet Jeebus...is this whole family smokin' da reefer? Michael -- sporting a haircut that Pink herself would think twice about -- mumbled something about how Jason was more girly and he's the real man. Say which? Then he went into audition room and said he'd only started singing 20 days ago. I can see the Castros sitting on the couch, giggling, and passing a fat doobie with Jason saying..."bro, bro, bro, bro, bro....bro....you know what would be hella cool, bro, bro, bro...if you like went and auditioned for Idol. Bro, bro, bro...you're totally double tokin'....pass the chips dude I got the munchies." So, he sang some Gavin DeGraw song and Simon called it "good-ish," but Kara called him "ballsy." What? She must have been getting a contact high. They put him through to Hollywood, but only because he's Janice Muppet's brother. Ugh.
There was a montage of the "gimmicks" (isn't this whole show one big gimmick?) contestants use to stand out: costumes, pets, puppets, mental illness. Then two cheerleaders burst into the audition room to introduce Andrew Lang, a gangly boy who sang a blah version of "My Girl." The judges were so-so on him, but then he ruined it by singing a second song I can't remember and they told him to go try musical theatre instead. The cheerleaders started crying and Simon said he was starting to get uncomfortable. Starting to get? Hell, I was uncomfortable when the big girl cheerleader calmost dislocated both her hips trying to do a split.
Michael Nicewonder looked like a low-rent Christopher Guest in Waiting for Guffman mode, who came to the auditions wearing his elementary school chorus medal with a fortune cookie message taped to it. He's 20, by the way. His mom had already told him he couldn't sing, but he decided to audition and prove her right. Then Dennis Brigham came in acting all spazzy and sang a piss-poor version of Chris Brown's "With You." They let him through. Hollywood cannon fodder for sure and a total waste of time.
Mia Conley slept upright most of the day, then tried to impress the judges by singing Minnie Ripperton's "Loving You." Dogs across America were howling. When they sent her home, she cussed out the judges and said: "I know I can sing. God will make the judges pay." Security and reality check on aisle four, please. The show closed with the unfortunately named Lil Rounds who sang "All I Do" by Stevie Wonder. She has a nice, soulful voice, but the judges went waaaay over the top in their praise. She'll probably make it to the Top 36. Oh, yeah, they're doing Top 36 instead of 24 this year. Don't ask me why...I guess to torture us a bit more.
Next week auditions roll on to Salt Lake City, New York, Puerto Rico and San Francisco. Stay tuned.