American Idol Season 8 Finale - Kris Allen wins

Nearly 100 million people voted last night to decide if Adam Lambert or Kris Allen would win American Idol season eight. The boys came out wearing white and then Miss Seacrest introduced the judges with "funny" clip packages of their catchphrases from the season. Paula's clip package was like one of those old filmstrips they showed you in health class about drug addiction. Just say no, kids, just say hell to the no.

The Top 13 returned (and I had forgotten most of them) to sing a lackluster cover of "So What" by Pink and prove that white is not everyone's color. Scott MacIntyre -- still blind -- looked particularly lost in the half-assed choreography. I wonder what corner of the stage they'll stick him in during the tour? David Cook sang another new single, "Permanent," while the swaybots were in full force in the audience. For the embarrassment portion of the evening, they brought back Nick "Normund Gentle" Mitchell to sing "I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going."

Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah brought an extra dose of badonkadonk to sing "Cue the Rain." Queen was in danger of sucking the entire audience into her catsuit camel toe. Jason Mraz showed up to sing "I'm Yours" with Alexis Grace (remember her?) and Anoop Desai (who's allegedly tapping Megan Joy's herky-jerky ass) and then Kris Allen sang "I Want to Kiss A Girl" with Keith Urban. Sorta random. The cameras cut twice to Justin "Sideshow Bob" Guarini in the audience. How did he even get in the theater? Security! 

There was a four alarm day shift hooker alert as the Top 5 girls came out to sing "Glamorous" by Fergie. Megan Joy was particularly bad, probably on purpose. Fergie herself came out to sing "Big Girls Don't Cry" and Black Eyed Peas joined her for "Boom Boom Pow." Then Bikini Girl strolled out on stage in a bikini (of course) to show off her new boob job and sing "Vision of Love." She was soon joined by Kara, who ripped off her dress to reveal a bikini and tried to outsing Bikini Girl. Two skanks for the price of one. This was a new low even for Idol.

Luckily, Cyndi Lauper showed up to sing an acoustic version of "Time After Time" with Alison Iraheta. It was a class act, best of the night. I love Cyndi. Of course, it was immediately ruined by Danny Gokey singing "Hello" before Lionel Richie came out for a medley including "All Night Long." Danny, wearing a Members Only jacket, skinny tie and ill-fitting jeans, looked uncomfortably like a creepy child-toucher. Then they cut to David Hasselhoff. I'm going to need an IV to replenish my fluids after so much vomiting.

In a totally unexpected move, Adam -- wearing fetish gear and platform boots Stevie Nicks would second guess -- joined KISS for a medley that included "Beth," "Detroit Rock City" and "Rock and Roll All Night." It was so over the top, it was unbelievable. KISS looked a little bloated and not in great voice, but the pyrotechnics and Adam's voice more than made up for it. It rocked. 

That cannot be said for Carlos Santana accompanying Matt "Mr. Mole" Giraud on "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" with the Top 13. David Cook gave Adam and Kris new Ford Fusion cars and then Steve Martin showed up to play banjo on a song with Megan Joy and Michael Sarver, who's put on a few pounds since being voted off. Want even more randomness? Rod Stewart showed up looking like my drunk grandfather in a plaid coat from 1973 to sing "Maggie May." I thought he was going to fall down the stairs and break a hip. And who do they save for the last humiliation? Tatiana del Toro, of course. They did a fake set up where she rushed the stage and security tried to throw her off, but she kept singing "Saving All My Love" until they cut to commercial. That was the last official sighting of Tatiana. Ever. 

I predicted somewhere that Queen would show up and, sure enough, they did and accompanied Adam and Kris on "We Are the Champions." They should hire Adam. Freddie Mercury would be proud.

Finally, after two looooooooong hours, it was announced that Kris Allen had somehow managed to beat favorite Adam Lambert. I'm pretty sure it was the Christian crazy vote that swung to Kris after Gokey was voted off. The great thing is that Kris is saddled with  Kara DioGuardi's shitty coronation song "No Boundaries" and Adam is going to  become a huge star without having to worry about being tied down to shitty Idol music. I'm actually happy with this result, although it would have been nice to have a big, out gay guy as the American Idol. Ah, well...

Thanks for reading the recaps everyone. Thank god it's over for another year.

Comments

Becky Cavanaugh said…
You have made this season of American idol a scream! You even helped soften the blow of Adam losing to Kris. Thanks Collin!
C. Cleo Creech said…
The Rod Stewart thing was just embarassing, I have to agree though that Cyndy Lauper is such a classic. It will be interesting to see how the voting unfolded, with all the break downs. I agree though Adam's probably got the better career in front of him.
Anne said…
I set the DVR and didn't start watching until it was about 45 minutes in -- I started from the beginning, fast-forwarded through all the excruciating parts, and would have completely caught up in time to see the last 15 minutes live if my mom hadn't called right then forcing me to hit pause. That's the only way to watch this mess. :) And yeah, Adam will do much better having finished second, and I think he knows it too... I'm just glad it's all over with.
poetwithadayjob said…
C - I actually think it was fixed this way...I feel pretty sure they knew Adam could sell albums no matter where he placed, but I think Kris would really only sell well if he came out on top. I second your thought re: Adam not being tied down to crappy Idol songs...but of course, he can make them pretty anyway.
Tania Rochelle said…
You should have won.
America? If you could get tickets to an Adam show or a Chris show, which would you pick? Adam. Not even close. The real talent didn't win, but yes, he has a huge future ahead of him.
Rupert said…
2 skanks for the price of one - hahahaha
Maggie May said…
Great recap. Adam singing Queen was something my family has waited for all season. Kris' voice has actually matured and strengthened over the course of the show into something really good. I thought the same on Rod Stewart, but was glad he sang my namesake song, so my daughter could finally see 'the guy who sings that song about you Mommy'
Anonymous said…
I'm not surprised but I am disappointed that Adam didn't win even if he had to record crappy music for a year or two. It would have been a big shot in the arm for an openly gay guy to win. Kris got the christian crazy (as you call it) vote alright because middle America was scared of the gay. Two steps forward, one step back.

GAV
Lisa Allender said…
Hi Coll and all--I'm still aggravated that Adam did not win. He is the REAL artist, and definitely deserved to win.And I also wanted a proud, out, fabulously talented gay person, to finally win. But as another commenter said, you've got me feeling better about the results..Adam will do great, with or without "Idol".
word verification: foxes
christine said…
Collin, it has been a total blast reading your caustic recaps of Idol. When I read this line my laptop was shaking on my stomach with laughter:

Rod Stewart showed up looking like my drunk grandfather in a plaid coat from 1973 to sing "Maggie May."I like your take on Adam's 'second place' status. Everyone knows he's in a league all his own. And yes, he's better off not having to sing Kara's lam-o songs.
coffee fan said…
that finale was absolutely awesome; it so made up for that lame/boring last performance episode
Peter said…
I've really enjoyed your recaps Collin.

I'm sad Adam didn't win, but it is probably a blessing in disguise. He has a great future.

I thought Rod Stewart and Black Eyed Peas were the best performances of the evening. The rest was pretty sucky.
Emily Lloyd said…
I agree with Anonymous. Clearly, Adam's career will be just as fine with or without the win--but Kris's victory felt like nothing more than a big slap of homophobia.
jaxx said…
collin, you had me crying with the "catsuit cameltoe" line -- it's almost enough to make me go out and buy a TV to watch these astonishing displays. i saw a video of adam doing cabaret at some little club on new year's eve that somebody posted on facebook, my first look at him, and i think you are dead right that he's got nothing to worry about, he's a true star and just needed some exposure.

reading your review i found myself wondering, "just how long IS this fucking thing" -- seems like it would've taken hours for them to get through all of that carrying on.

and then i cried laughing again over rod stewart as your drunken grampa. very glad to hear that cyndi is still going strong, i've always loved her.

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