AMERICAN IDOL GIVES YACK...ERRR...BACK: I know this evening on American Idol was for charity and millions have been raised and millions more are coming, but the schmaltz factor was so high I was vomiting in my mouth a little in the first five minutes. Look at poor Annie over there -- she looks like she's fighting the puke, too.

The Top 6 wearing all white, Ryan Gaycrest and Ellen doing lame jokes, Earth Wind and Fire (?!) doing a medley of their greatest hits like they were on Solid Gold circa 1979, and Randy going back to New Orleans --"The Dawg has come home" -- made me wince. The real puke moment was Quincy Jones and Siedah Garrett (I feel like I'm in 1989 all over again) writing a new "anthem" for the show -- the treacle, sugary, soppy "Time To Care." It sounded like a cast off from The Lion King. The Top 6 performed their hearts out while Q "conducted" the band. Somebody check my pulse.

Will from Will & Grace made a lame joke about Sanjaya -- who was in the audience -- while shilling for contributions and Ben Stiller's attempt at humor was just embarrassing. Of course, it's hard to be cynical when they show the clip package of Ryan and Simon in Kenya talking to the little boy and his sister who live in a one room hut after their parents died. In fact, it was a whiplash kinda show. One minute, you're near tears watching the haunted faces of AIDS orphans and the next you have Jack Black's over-exposed fat ass jumping around the stage singing "Kiss From A Rose."

In the middle of all this, Ryan would occasionally let one of the contestants know they were safe...the actual competition almost an afterthought amid a frenzy of schlock. Both Paula and Carrie Underwood had "who is this woman?" moments -- Paula at a Boys and Girls Club and Carrie singing to a bunch of non-English speaking kids in Africa.

Kelly Clarkson hauled her chunky butt back to Idol for a little mea culpa after blowing off the program that made her a star five years ago. The things one must do when pushing a new album. Celine Dion did a creepy duet with a hologram of Elvis, but it was obviously taped last week because Sanjaya was up there with them wearing all white. They tried to cut around it, but he was there.

Leave it to the Brits (and I don't mean Simon) for adding the only touches of class the whole evening. Helen Mirren lip-syncing to "Stayin' Alive" was worth the whole two hours, and Annie Lennox's beautiful take "Bridge Over Troubled Water" closed this mess on a high note. And who got voted off? Nobody. What a cop out. Gaycrest said they couldn't possibly kick anyone off during this special night (oops...more vomit in my mouth) and that the 70 million votes phoned in last night (I'll refrain from calling it a waste of time) will be added to the totals phoned in next week and they'll eliminate the bottom two in one evening.

Yeah, I'm gonna make a donation (I'm a softy), but can I get back the two hours of my life I lost tonight in return? Oh, and Sanjaya has told People magazine that he is straight. Me, too,, too.


when EWF started singing in the beginning i decided i would have a more enjoyable evening walking the dog in the rain
Rachel Mallino said…
lmao, you crack me up.
Anonymous said…
Sanjaya straight? To quote you: Bitch, please.

Anne said…
I was "straight" at Sanjaya's age, too. So. ;)
Collin said…
I don't care if he's gay or straight, but I would hate for him to be another celebrity who feels they have to hide their sexuality to advance their career. He could be role model for other gay teens.
KATE EVANS said… can you all be so callous about Earth Wind & Fire? They brought me back to my glory days of sitting on my crushed-velvet red bedspread, wearing out the grooves in their albums. I had the grooviest Farrah-winged hair and a huge pink plastic comb tucked into the back pocket of my lime-colored high-waisted Dittos. Who could ever disrespect the days of roll-on peach-flavored lipgloss--perfect lips for giving your boyfriend a blowjob in the backseat of his Camaro?
PS: You're in my blog today.
Robert said…
I nominate you as American Idol Commentator Laureate of the Blogosphere.

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