American Idol 8 - Louisville Auditions

American Idol came riding hell for leather into Louisville for auditions at Churchill Downs, and the racing cliches were coming fast and furious. One of the more interesting aspects of tonight's show was Paula's bizarre wardrobe. On day one of auditions she looked like a school marm, but the next she looked like a second-rate Pussycat Doll. Paula's got so many personalities...errr...looks. Yeah, that's it. And we're off...

First up was Tiffany Shedd, a Paris Hilton-wannabe with too much make-up, a fried blonde bleach job and overindulgent, tone deaf parents. Her father had child toucher eyes and her mother looked like one of those Southern Baptist women who love Jesus by day and pills by night. Tiffany's attempt at Mariah Carey's "Hero" frightened the horses in the stable. She said if she didn't make it to Hollywood, she was going to college. Alert the frat boys because Tiffany is on the way.

Our next plant was Joanna Pacitti, who Kara recognized the moment she walked in the door. Although they didn't give any backstory, Joanna made national headlines when she was cut from the Broadway revival of Annie when she was 12. Barbara Walters even interviewed her on 20/20 at the time. After that, Joanna  signed to a deal with A&M Records and had songs on the soundtracks to Legally Blonde, First Daughter, Nancy Drew and has some slick, expensive videos floating around YouTube. Her album tanked and she was dropped, but her being on American Idol once again calls into question the whole legitimacy of the show. She's a bigger plant than Carly Smithson last season. Joanna cried and shouted Pat Benatar's "We Belong," but it was already pre-determined she would be going to Hollywood. I feel cheated. 

Mark Mudd told Miss Ryan Seacrest that his claim to fame was that his great-great-great-great grandfather (that might be one too many greats, but I lost count) was the infamous Dr. Mudd, who set John Wilkes Booth's leg after he assassinated Lincoln and jumped from the balcony to escape. Mark Mudd assassinated George Jones' "White Lightening" with an accent so straight out of the holler that he makes Loretta Lynn sound like a duchess. He told the judges to "be careful," which Simon and Paula thought was a threat. That's one more crazy on Paula's stalker list. 

Brent Keith Smith is another plant, and they gave him zero backstory. Allow me. He came in sixth place on Nashville Star (country's version of AI), has videos and sang the theme song to the movie Dale. Not surprisingly, he was sent straight through to Hollywood.

After a montage of a 900 pound guy dancing to "Billie Jean," a queen in face paint singing "Mr. Zebra" by Tori Amos (that's him in the picture with his bestest fag hag) and some assorted rednecks, there was a guy named Matt who sang a Gavin DeGraw song. My cable went out for about two minutes, so I totally missed the judge's decision. I saw in the recap of the show that they let him through. He was kinda cute, but his voice was just okay.

The uber-loony for the show was Ross Plavsic, a huge geek with a scary overbite, who appears to be a genius at everything except singing. He tried some opera and then "Love Me Tender," but sounded like Lurch from the Addams Family both tries. He wanted some water to clear his throat and walked over to the judge's table and started drinking from Paula's cup. I guess a little Vicodin tea never hurt nobody. Paula not only wanted a new straw, but a new cup once they sent him packing.

Alexis Grace was a bit shouty on "Dr. Feelgood," but she seemed fresh-faced and eager so they sent her through. Aaron Williamson couldn't stop shouting "Whoooo!" and he murdered Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Have You Ever Seen the Rain," while Kara tried to be funny and pulled a Meg Ryan fake orgasm. That shit was not cute. Kara is a waste of space at that table. Rebecca Garcia looked promising, but the moment she started singing Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" the promise died a horrible, strangulated death. 

After a montage of people who could actually sing (shocker!), we got tonight's sob story audition. This is becoming a little too predictable. Tonight it was Laneshe Young, who had been homeless and living in shelters with her single mom for years. She was all tearful and sad in the holding room, then came prancing into the audition with just a wee bit too much attitude for my taste. She sang an original song about needing some thug loving and the judges just adored her. Hmmm...I'm guessing she doesn't make it out of Hollywood, which the producers can then milk for more pathos. 

Cable blipped off again right at the end, so next week the auditions are either in Puerto Rico, Salt Lake City, Jacksonville or East Rutherford (?!). Stay tuned. Oh, my recaps are now being featured each week on the new website GoGay411.com, which seems very appropriate for me and American Idol. Just look under the Articles heading on the homepage.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Is it my imagination or do all the boys have David Cook hair this year? You know they are doing that on purpose. That Tiffany girl was a total skankasaurus.

GAV
Ross Plavsic said…
I was the one (Ross Bradley Plavsic) on the show.

I had a lot of misapplied techniques in my performance, one of which caused voice fatigue which caused my "scratchy throat" feeling.

However, I'm a better singer now, and I'm working on spoken word pieces as well. For more info, see my youtube page.

youtube.com/rushandruleit
Collin Kelley said…
Ross, I do wish you the best of luck. Idol has the potential to be a big launching pad for personalities, so run with it. I hope whatever was in Paula's cup didn't have any lasting effects. ;-)
I don't know a thing about all this, but descriptions like

Her father had child toucher eyes and her mother looked like one of those Southern Baptist women who love Jesus by day and pills by night make me shiver and want to come back for more.
KATE EVANS said…
Collin, this is hilarious. You are in fine form, mah man.
coffee said…
Joanna Pacitti could get through at least a few rounds of American Idol on looks alone
Lisa Allender said…
Collin, once again, I'm LOL-ing. You're a comedy-genius! Have you considered doing stand-up??(not that you'd ever have TIME for it, what with writing novels, poetry, keeping the journalism-day-job, doing film reviews, interviews, blogging, hosting various Open Mics, Features, and Radio-Shows).
palais said…
Collin, love, this is why I leave the early rounds to you, darling, because your snark is bang on about the pathetic nature of these poor misbegotten, delusional souls, while I'm all about the slow destruction of the Great American songbook and whether or not my favorite is wearing too much eyeliner.

Devoted to the end
P.

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