THE CONCEPT OF THE ASSHOLE YARD SALE (tm): I think it was in 1999 that I created the concept of the Asshole Yard Sale (tm) to begin the process of weeding out people in my life who were holding me back, being negative, non-supportive or all of the above. That first sale eliminated two people from my life and I've never looked back. While this may sound cruel and unusual, there are two ways to "mark 'em up, move 'em on." The preferred method is to gently transition the person into a new social structure, or more to the point, glom them off on to someone else. The other way is just telling them to get lost and never darken your door again. Of course the Asshole Yard Sale (tm) should be used only when necessary and when all other attempts at communication have failed. Several of my friends have also held their own AYS to great success and peace of mind. What it really boils down to is this: Life is short, and if you surround yourself with negative people, life is going to be even shorter. Or, it could be longer, but just no damn fun at all.

Turning 30 was a highlight for me. It gave me permission to take back part of my life that I had subsidized out in my 20s. I decided that I wasn't going to take shit from people who were dragging me down to their own sadsack level. I have surrounded myself with a small, but like-minded group of friends. The circle slowly expands as I cross paths with other like-minds. It is now five years since the first AYS, and my friends, it's time for another house cleaning. One of my favorite TV shows right now is the BBC's Life Laundry where this sensible, yet bitchy American forces English people to take all the shit out of their house, pile it up on the lawn and get rid of half of it. Her motto is sell it, donate it or throw it in the crusher. Watching this show has been giving me inklings that another AYS should happen soon.

This time, it's not individual people who will be marked for quick sell, but groups. I'm not going to be specific, because that's private and there's no need to embarrass the ones being targeted for fall cleaning. Let's just say that I'm giving two organizations "sell by" dates or they are going in the crusher. On Sept. 17, I'll be turning 35 (cash is always a wonderful way to say I love you), and I have no plans to spend the next year bickering with petty people over petty things, nor have my name associated with anything that puts money and resources into self-serving projects that benefit the elite. The clock is officially ticking.


1) Sacrfice artistic integrity for mainstream acceptance.
2) Say yes, when I mean no.
3) Write poetry in form to please the Ph.duh's.
4) Be a "team player" when I don't believe in the team.
5) Leave the house.
6) Answer the phone.
7) Go to dinner at restaurants I hate just to compromise.
8) Go on a diet.
9) Conform to a stereotype.
10) Vote for a right-wing moron who claims to represent my "values." be continued


BLUE said…
Dayum! This is rich. We September babies do this around the time of our births (Fall). I do it every year (tee hee). I don't have a fine and racy name for it like you do, but it happens nonetheless. It is important to know what works for you and what works against you. Good for you, putting people and things in their rightful places. I'm watching that ticking clock. light! ~BLUE (who hopes she doesn't have a red-tag blue-light reduced-for-quick-sale sticker on her forehead)
Anonymous said…
You should have given up one of them six months ago, and you know which one Im talking about.
Anonymous said…
Love this list!!!

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