AMERICAN IDOL 7 - TOP 12 DO THE BEATLES: John Lennon is spinning in his grave and Paul McCartney is probably drunk at the manse writing an alimony check to Heather Mills. The Top 12 had a classic songbook at their disposal and they picked the safest songs and then proceeded to bore the shit out of the nation. If this two hours could be put into a pill, Ambien would be out of business. Only three of the contestants were any good -- the rest ranged from simply boring to the absolutely horrific. A new set of title graphics and stage was a flashy way to begin the show, but that flash was all in the pan once the contestants hit the stage. Paula "Miss Pills" Abdul was incoherent as ever and Gaycrest must have been snorting rails before the show. He was bouncing around like it was Sunday tea dance at the Man Hole. Try to contain yourself, honey. This week, Simon gave an interview to London rag The Sun and said he was bored by this season of American Idol. So much for it being the best ever.
Syesha Mercado: I didn't think it was possible to take such a rocking song like Got To Get You Into My Life and turn it into middle of the road karaoke. It wasn't even good enough for the cruise ship circuit. She's safe because of the carnage that followed.
Chikezie: A shocking reversal of fortune after almost going home last week to giving one of the most inspired performances of the evening. He started She's A Woman in an almost O Brother, Where Art Thou mode and by the end he was rocking out. Jacuzzi bubbles! This is where Miss Gaycrest went a little batshit crazy and was leaping around the stage, rubbing Chikezie's sweaty head. Somebody hose him down.
Ramiele Malubay: In My Life is one of The Beatles' most moving songs, so leave it to Ramiele to suck the life out of it. Simon savaged her, Paula said it was too safe and Randy said she was probably going home. Dawg! She's definitely in the bottom three.
Jason Castro: His cloying, whiny version of If I Fall was like bad karaoke night at the lesbian bar. He's such a pretty, pretty lady, but the song choice was a snoozer. Simon said he did well enough for another week, but he's straying into going home territory.
Carly Smithson: For my money, the best vocal of the night. This slinky, dirty version of Come Together was possibly her best performance of the season. She owned the stage.
David Cook: It fucking figures that the contestant I despise would pick my favorite Beatles song -- Eleanor Rigby. He turned it into a frat rock free-for-all, totally destroying the intricate melody and looking like a smug, self-important bastard while performing it. The judges were sucking from his tits in over-effusive praise. He's totally taken over King Douche status from Blake Lewis. Come back, Blake, all is forgiven.
Brooke White: I'm starting to like her more and more. A simple, elegant version of Let It Be performed at the piano and an understated backing arrangement made this one of the best moments of the night.
David Hernandez: His clip package about working at a "pizza bistro" was embarrassing, since the whole world knows he was really shaking his salami at a gay strip club. After a couple of weeks of good performances, he drifted into high school talent show territory with his overwrought version of I Saw Her Standing There. He should have done the Tiffany version with the funny hand jive dance. He's trying so hard to be straight it's painful to watch. And a little sad.
Amanda Overmyer: She was in full-on drunk Janis Joplin mode, singing You Can't Do That. She'd never heard the song until this week, but she rocked it out and received praise from the judges. The two-tone blond and black hair needs to go. There's having a signature look and then there's looking like a skunk. She was also overly peppy at the end, blowing kisses, sticking her tongue out and looking ridiculous. They must have told her to lose the grump and get with the program. Or maybe there's an open bar in the green room.
Michael Johns: A sorry one-note performance of Across the Universe further proved that he's all looks and not much substance. And Simon proved that he is indeed bored because he couldn't remember Carly's name ("Who's the Irish girl?") when trying to compare their performances. Carly went for it and made it her own, Michael just stood there and tranquilized the audience.
Kristy Lee Cook: She's my pick to go home after destroying Eight Days A Week. I mean destroying it, rebuilding it and destroying it again. The band was galloping along in a country jig replete with banjos and Kristy was singing it slowly and without any energy at all. Simon said it was like being at a "ghastly country fair." I couldn't have said it better.
David Archuleta: A giant crack appeared in the Terminator's armor tonight. Mr. Giggles decided to try and do the Stevie Wonder version of We Can Work It Out and it was a total disaster. He forgot some of the lyrics and generally looked uncomfortable as hell trying to get through the song. He's practically been coronated as this year's winner, but this performance showed he's not a sure thing.