American Idol 8 - Top 36

Sweet Baby Jeebus. I knew there was fuckery about on American Idol, but not the heapin' pile-o-poo they threw at us tonight. Deciding the contestants fate at "The Judges' Mansion" and making the ones they were unsure about have a sing-off was nothing more than a ploy to drag out the show for an unnecessary two hours. Anyone remotely interested in the show has seen the Top 36 list by now, and the producers could have edited the show to an hour. I'm already jaded for the season. The only one I even remotely like is Adam Lambert, and even his Jonas Brothers emo look might start to get on my nerves. The rest are bland, also-rans or has-beens. Oooh, I'm a grumpy bitch tonight.

Here's the Top 36 and a few comments:

Alexander Wagner-Trugman
- He was forced into a sing-off with his little gay friend Cody. They held each other like they were going down on the Titanic. Don't let go, Cody...

Danny Gokey - Yeah, I know he lost his wife and that's sad and all, but I already don't like him. He's a little overconfident and cocky for my taste. His best friend Jamar got sent home. 

Joanna Pacitti
- They finally mentioned her past label deals and total failure as an artist, yet they wanted to give her another chance. 
Kendall Beard - Looks like a 35-year-old OC housewife. Boring me already.

Kristen McNamara - She's the one screwed over her fellow contestants in the group sing because she was "tired." She looks constipated.

Lil Rounds - She keeps saying she's doing this because her family needs the money. I hope they have a back-up plan. She might be this season's Melinda Doolittle. Except she has a neck.

Michael Sarver and Matt Breitzke - The welder and the oil roughneck square off in a terrible attempt by the producers to build tension, when, even if you hadn't read the Top 36 and just kept count, you would know both of these guys made it through. 

Nathaniel Marshall - He's more camp that a row of tents (yes, I used that line last and almost makes Frau Von Smith look butch. I can't be too rough on the princess because he's had a rough life as a young 'mo. I'll try and cut him some slack.

Nick Mitchell - How he and his Norman Gentle schtick got through is a bigger shock than Princess Nathaniel. He's this season's Taylor Hicks in drag. Although, the look on the other contestants' faces when he walked into the holding room and said he made it was worth it! 

Ricky Braddy - Who?

Scott MacIntyre - Wow, he made it. What a shock. Insert eye-roll here. 

Tatiana Del Toro - This self-involved screech owl needs to be voted off ASAP. Don't delay, folks. 

Von Smith - One thing positive (I guess) about the Top 36 is that it is awash in gay boys. Splotchy-faced, drama queen Von made it through. This show aint' big enough for two princesses, so he and Nathaniel will probably cancel each other. Besides the top 'mo on this show is my future husband, Adam. 

The rest: Adam Lambert, Taylor Vaifanua, Stevie Wright, Stephen Fowler, Mishavonna Henson, Megan Corkrey, Matt Giraud, Kris Allen, Kai Kalama, Junot Joyner, Jorge Nunez, Jackie Tohn, Jasmine Murray, Jeanine Vailes, Jessica Langseth, Casey Carlson, Brent Keith, Arianna Ayesah Afsar, Anoop Desai, Anne Marie Boskovich, Allison Iraheta and Alexis Grace.


Maggie May said…
i'm king of the Idols! i'm king of the Idols!

Simon is so rad. there is just no better way of saying it. i know everyone makes fun of his hairy man chest and v necks and hair but i adore him.
Anonymous said…
The night was total torture. I only watched half it and then went and cleaned the bathroom. That seemed appropriate.

Lisa Allender said…
Whew, Coll, glad I missed it. You're gettin' your snark on. Good on you!
christine said…
I love your opening sentence. Just jump right into the snark and keep it comin', cuz it's very entertaining.

This line made me laugh - 'She might be this season's Melinda Doolittle. Except she has a neck.'

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