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AMERICAN IDOL TOP 9 SWING...AND FALTER: Tony Bennett was the mentor tonight on American Idol, as the Top 9 delved into his classic songbook. I was gonna say something about Tony being a fossil, but I can't be mean -- he's a total class act and at 80 still has a great voice. I have to say that most of the Idol-wannabes stepped up their game tonight, but three of them didn't step high enough. The bottom three tomorrow night: Phil, Haley and...drat...Sanjaya, although he's still got enough momentum and fanbase to stay for at least another week. Who's going home: Should be Haley, unless the teenage boys are dialing with one hand to keep this second-rate burlesque performer on the show for their further self-abuse.

Blake Lewis - Beatbox bonehead Blake opened the show with "Mack the Knife." Didn't Tony Bennett tell your smug ass to slow down the tempo? And did you? Hell no. Thankfully, there was no beatboxing, but he was working those tired boyband dance moves all over the place. Lame. Simon correctly called it: the house band was better than his performance.

Phil Stacey - Nosferatu sang the funeral version of "Night and Day." Paula Pills made some whacked out comment about Phil being like a young Frank Sinatra. Simon looked liked he wanted to smack her in the face. It's a good thing Frankie is dead, or she'd be wearing concrete shoes and sleeping with the fishes for that comparison. Is it my imagination or do Phil's ears get bigger every week? Get those things pinned back. There must be an operation for that.

Melinda Doolittle - Wait!!! Did I see her neck? It's not that Mindy Doo doesn't have a neck, it's just that she has a giant head and really wide jaw. Is there an operation for that? Maybe some kind of bone shaving? C. Dale...any thoughts on what we can do for poor Phil and Mindy? Anyway, she was working the "awww shucks, you like me?" bit to the hilt tonight -- from when she met Tony to the judges' comments. She seemed like she was holding back a bit, but she opened up at the end. She really does have a great voice, but why am I bored?

Chris Richardson - Okay, I gotta be honest -- Chris was looking pretty hot tonight. And his version of "Don't' Get Around Much Anymore" was his best vocal in weeks. His voice slipped in and out of that nasal tone, but I don't think he can help it...vocal coaching will help. I just wish he would give up the Justin Timberlake moves and look. He's actually cuter than Justin, so why he feels the need to copy him week after week is beyond me.

Jordin Sparks - Paula described Jordin's "On A Clear Day" as "frickin' good" (potty mouth pill popper!), and it was a good performance, but a little lounge singer-ish for me. She'll probably be in the top three or four at the end of the season.

Gina Glocksen - She sang "Smile" (which makes Tony think of Sept. 11 and Iraq...great way to kill the mood, dude) and it was soooooo old fashioned she should have been wearing a bonnet. The vocal was okay, but the arrangement was pure schmaltz. When Simon told her the other girls outsang her, she looked like she was about to cry. Walk it off, rocker girl.

Sanjaya Malakar - I'm definitely going to have to vote for Sanjaya six or seven times tonight because this was his most boring performance ever. The white leisure suit was funny, but he slicked back his hair (and it looked cut, too) and minced around the stage before trying to dance with Paula. He was definitely not the worst tonight (that honor belongs to Haley...keep reading), but there was no shock and awe like his rocking out to "You Really Got Me" and the pony-hawk while singing the icky "Bathwater." Sanjaya is a big fan of Tony Bennett, so I guess he wanted to be a little dignified for his own idol. Tony was nice and said Sanjaya could definitely sing, which is true. He does have a nice tone to his voice, but he just sings so softly it's hard to tell. Randy and Paula praised his entertaining skills, while Simon tried a different tact and called him "incredible." Sanjaya shouted out, "You've finally joined the universe of Sanjaya." Oh, dear.

Haley Scarnato - After working the hooker look for two weeks, Haley decided to upgrade to stripper. She actually looked like a beat down pageant contestant. Absolutely the WORST performance of the night with "Ain't Misbehavin'." During the clip with Tony, he said she was destroying the song. Woah! How bad was she? Randy and Paula wouldn't even comment and deferred to Simon. His comment: "You've got nice legs." See ya, Haley.

Lakisha Jones - Totally blew the roof off with "Stormy Weather," despite the unfortunate dress. What is it with the thick girls (and I mean you, too, Mindy Doo) wearing these belts and empire waist dresses? They make you look top heavy, and Kiki doesn't need any help there. Back to the song -- sassy, fun and a great way to end the show. I'm a fan again.