JORDIN WINS AMERICAN IDOL. DUH: Two hours and ten minutes of soul-sucking tedium later, we now know Jordin Sparks is the new American Idol. This finale was such a bore, I was nearly comatose on the couch. I took two pages of notes, and I'll try to hit some highlights of the show, some of which was an inevitable train wreck.Starting with the good, Kelly Clarkson owned this night. While the other Idol winners and runner-ups have racked up big sales, Clarkson is a true star. She sang "Never Again," which is one of the nastiest kiss-off songs to an ex-lover I've ever heard. Sounded hot, looked hot. Gwen Stefani's "live" version of her limp single "Four In the Morning" paled in comparison to Ms. Clarkson.
Ryan Gaycrest handed out the Golden Idol Awards, which are given to the mentally ill and attention whores who tried out last year and were humiliated on the audition shows. Margaret Fowler, working the Big Bird look she wore in January, was so fat she could barely get on stage. She screamed some nonsense poem and took up precious air time. Another went to the "howler monkey" boy and his chunky, challenged friend from Seattle. To further the humiliation, Gaycrest announced they had adopted a howler monkey (bush baby...whatever) at the Minneapolis Zoo in the boy's honor. Random and cruel at the same time.
The Top 6 guys from the season sang a medley with Smokey Robinson, who seriously (seriously!!!!) needs to lay off the plastic surgery. My friend Lisa called at the break and said his face was so tight he could barely sing and you could bounce a quarter off his cheeks. On the other hand, Gladys Knight looked natural and sang the shit out of her medley with the girls.
Blake and Doug E. Fresh (yeah, I had forgotten about him, too) did a beatbox showdown, Tony Bennett sang a song I've already forgotten, Melinda Doolittle sang a gospel song with BeBe and CeCe Winans, Carrie Underwood (with horrible pink-tinted hair) did her country version of The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You," the African Children's Choir were cute.
And then there was Sanjaya. Comparing him to JFK and MLK was a bit of a stretch (okay...a huge gaping hole), but he came out with Joe Perry on guitar and sang "You Really Got Me." He looked hot and pretty much screamed the song, but that's what we were expecting. I'm convinced the crying girl is a bit soft in the head. I mean...really...still crying?! I thought the rumored ponyhawk skit was beating a dead horse, but crying girl was worse. She's going to need hours and hours of therapy one day.
Green Day did a DOA version of John Lennon's "Working Class Hero" from the new Dafur benefit album, Instant Karma. It was really terrible. Only one other person can sell that song, and that's Marianne Faithfull. They should have had her on. Then they brought out Bette Midler -- who I love -- but she did a horrible version of "Wind Beneath My Wings." I thought her appearance on the show was really random, until they announced she's taking over Celine Dion's Vegas show. Hope she's working with a vocal coach, because the M in Divine Miss M was for mess tonight.
Kelly and a bunch of the other Idol winners did a Beatles tribute, and for a second I thought the big surprise guest was going to be Paul McCartney, but nope...it was just an unnecessary run of lifeless, half-assed covers that put the show over two hours. Crowning Jordin the winner seemed a bit rushed, and of course she sobbed (she's only 17....least we forget!) her way through her shitty coronation song, "This Is My Now."
It was fun blogging about Idol -- most of the time -- but it was a grind at the end. The show won't be back until January 2008, so that should give me time to recover. Tomorrow, we get back to poetry, writing and other rants and raves on this blog. Collin...out!
Comments
Yes, I'm learning about the show while watching it--and have learned the winner (big shock) before seeing the end of the West Coast version of the show.
I LOVED Kelly Clarkson. She is so standing on Janis Joplin's shoulders, making her proud.
she needs better role models and a therapist.
GAV
I am not surprised that Jordin won given that it was between her and Blake. Hopefully she'll get the nasty first song out of the way and go on to record better stuff since she is "only 17" lol!
and of course kelly clarkson is better than all of them. she's from texas. it should be expected.
those fake awards were really over the top. especially with those two guys. the bigger kid reminded me of the boy on "bad santa." i don't know, it kind of made me sick what they did to them. they're not attention whores, there's really something wrong with them. it's the same feeling i got in high school when the popular kids would tease the special ed kids and pretend to be friends with them just so they could make fun of them.
this is my now.
I do think some of the people who come to audition are unbalanced, but I think so many realize now that they might be able to parlay a few minutes on AI into a career -- if they are bad and outrageous -- they act crazy just to get in front of the camera.
We've been singing that damn This Is My Now song all day at the office. What a laugh.