American Idol 7 - Dolly Parton Night

Let me start this week's recap by saying I am a big Dolly Parton fan. Somewhere in my parents' attic is a Dolly Parton doll from the 1970s and I have many of her albums and singles on vinyl. 9 to 5 is one of my all time favorite films and I've seen her in concert twice. Yes, I loves me some DP, so there will be no hating on her in this recap. However... the Top 9 contestants singing her songs on American Idol tonight are another story. Let's just put a fork in it right now, because David "Terminator" Archuleta walked off with the show singing one of Dolly's more obscure songs, Smokey Mountain Memories. He even made her cry. The only person who came close to matching it was Carly Smithson and the judges were mixed on her performance.

Brooke White: Oh, Brooke, Brooke, Brooke...I love you, girl. I do. You're my favorite, but you looked like you were on autopilot this evening doing my favorite Dolly song, Jolene. It was a nice arrangement with the band (although Simon thought it was weird) and she played the guitar, but she just had no emotion.

David Cook: Uh-oh! Someone's been reading the blogs. David Cook copped to stealing all his arrangements from other bands for the last three weeks. And...he changed his dreadful comb over. It's still a bed-head from hell, but it looked like he had more hair in front. I'm guessing it's that hair in a can shit from Ron Popeil, or maybe he shaved some of the back and patched it in with some weave glue. His cover of Little Sparrow was actually okay, mainly because he didn't fuck with it too much. He's trying hard to lose the smirk. Good boy.

Ramiele Malubay: Her cover of Do I Ever Cross Your Mind was flat, she sounded out of breath and was trying way to hard to be bouncy. The judges didn't love it (Simon called it forgettable) and she seems like she's lost interest. Time to go, honey.

Jason Castro: Our pretty, pretty lady was playing to the heartland tonight with the "Jesus loves me" vibe of Traveling Through. Simon hilariously said he would be losing his season pass to Dollywood because he didn't get it. Me either.

Carly Smithson: The second best performance of the night. Her vocal was impeccable on an acoustic version of my second favorite Dolly song, Here You Come Again. Simon was on the rag tonight and didn't like the song or her clothes. He keeps saying he likes country music, but he obviously does not. He was just not happy about much of anything tonight.

David Archuleta: His march to victory gained even more momentum tonight. No one even came close.

Kristy Lee Cook: A pageant performance of Coat of Many Colors will probably put her in the bottom with Ramiele. At least it should. She performed barefoot and Gaycrest commented on her French pedicure. That had me doing the Danny Noriega "uh-huh" with two snaps and a neck rotation. He probably has the same pedicure.

Syesha Mercado: I knew she would pick I Will Always Love You? Dolly might have written it, but Whitney owns it. It was a weird chopped up arrangement and although Syesha managed to hit the glory note, she's still no Whitney. Bottom three.

Michael Johns: Probably the third best performance with his bluesy cover It's All Wrong, But It's All Right. Simon said it was his best performance since Hollywood week, which might be true. But you have to ask yourself how he's made it this far? Oh, yeah, he's a piece of ass.

Bottom three prediction: Syesha, Ramiele and Kristy Lee. Tomorrow night Dolly's going to perform and show these whipper-snappers how it's done.