American Idol 8 - Jacksonville Auditions

The Jacksonville auditions of American Idol were so boring tonight I couldn't even be bothered to find a photo to accompany this post. There was lots of cornball, useless filler: Randy Jackson used to be in Journey! Paula and Kara fake kiss -- and nobody liked it! Contestants butcher "Walking on Sunshine!"). Let' just get right to it...

First up was douchebag supreme Joshua Ullova, who doesn't mind being compared to season one has-been Justin Guarini. Way to aim high, Joshua. After a twitchy version of "Let's Get It On," the judges put him through. Sharon Wilbur brought her cute shih tzu, which yawned through her attempt at "Superstar." They put her through, too. I hope they both enjoy their free trip to Hollywood and don't lose their return tickets.

Dana Moreno should be set on fire for butchering Chaka Kahn's "Through the Fire," while Anita Baker ought to file a lawsuit against Kaniswa Finne for leveling the classic "Rapture." Jalissa Velos, a former Miss Florida Latina USA pageant girl, had a scary laugh but managed to sing a Whitney song (I forget which one) and they put her through, although she'll never make it in Hollywood. She's got pageant stank all over her. 

Darin Darnell was an annoying Chatty Cathy in the holding room, trying to make friends with everybody, including some guy he was crushing on that got cut. Darin started crying about losing his friend (?!) and cried all the way through the audition, where he proved to be tone deaf. Therapy, baby, loads and loads of therapy. 

Naomi Sykes tried to sing Minnie Ripperton's "Loving You," but the only note she could actually hit was the famous high note. She cried after Simon called her joke and then said on her way out: "I don't know what I did wrong." Maybe she can get in on a therapy group rate with Darin. Jasmine Murray sang Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" and Simon called her "cute, commercial and with a nice voice." She made it through effortlessly and will probably be in the Top 50. 

Tonight's loony was George Ramirez, a shifty-eyed Night Stalker looking mo-fo working Joaquin Phoenix's new homeless look. He mumbled his way through some song, and I could see Paula adding him to her crazy list. T.K. Hash auditioned last year and didn't make the cut, but he came back strong with a soulful version of "Imagine." He's cute and will probably make the Top 50.

Michael "Cry Baby" Perrelli had a meltdown in the holding room when he found out he couldn't audition with his guitar. This douche in a do-rag cried through the whole audition, singing a nasally version of Third Eye Blind's "Jumper." When he started begging, Simon dismissed him with a curt, "You're getting on my nerves." When his mom tried to hug him, he pushed her away and said, "Don't touch me." Someone get this baby a blanky and a bottle.  

The show closed with tonight's plant, Anne Marie Boskovich. After the judges bizarrely made her leave the audition room to get some make up and change clothes -- to look more like a star -- she came back and sang Colbie Callait's annoying "Bubbly." In all this hoo-ha, it was never mentioned that Anne Marie already has a singing career, appearing on the The Little Mermaid soundtrack and with numerous videos on YouTube. Rumor has it that she's already made it to the Top 50.

Tomorrow night it's on to Salt Lake City, hometown of David "Fetus" Archuletta. Yawn.