American Idol 8 - New York & Puerto Rico Auditions

Tonight's American Idol auditions in New York City and San Juan, Puerto Rico were scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel. It became clear during every commercial break that Fox whipped up this third night of auditions as a ratings lead in for the season premiere of Hell's Kitchen. The cliched comedy bits, offensive fake "island" accents and cutting back and forth between the two cities reeked of sloppy, incoherent editing.

The hour began in NYC with the delusional Adeola, who compared herself to Whitney and Mary J. and was so confident she was going to Hollywood that she quit her day job. She sang "I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," and her voice sounded like a lamb being slaughtered. Simon actually called Adeola's boss to ask for her job back. Are the lambs still screaming, Clarice?

In PR, Jorge Nunez had a big, gay voice singing "My Way" and "What A Wonderful World" and they put him through. Then there was professional contest winner Jessica Byar, who actually makes a living by entering contests of all kinds, winning more than 700! She'd actually won her trip to audition in San Juan. She said she'd won many singing contests, but her brain-melting version of Celine Dione's "I Surrender" had me waving a white flag. The judges sent her packing. 

Melinda Camille came to the auditions in NYC barefoot, bra-less and shaking her booty. Randy and Simon were hypnotized by her peek-a-boo boobies that threatened to fall out of her strapless dress any second. She could actually sing and they put her through. Jackie Thom had a husky, rocker girl voice and the judges debated before putting her through. She was blah to me.

In PR, a guy who called himself Crazy Rocker kept screaming, throwing himself into walls and had various costumes. He came into the audition room dressed as a giant iPod, but also had puppets and a superhero costume underneath. When the judges said no he went screaming from the room and threw himself in the pool. Anything to get on TV. Ditto with Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell, a chubby queen who made the judges laugh, but couldn't sing a note to save his life. They put him through just to humiliate him in Hollywood, obviously.

Monique Torres brought her adorable 9-year-old brother as a prop, but she could actually sing. I didn't get the judges' comments that she wasn't ready after a fairly sold version of "You Can't Hurry Love." She was better than half the people shown. 

The show closed with a return visit by Alexis Cohen (that's her pictured last season), the skeezer who had an expletive-filled, finger-flipping meltdown last year. She tried to dress up her crazy in a shimmery dress and moan her way through Madonna's "Like A Prayer," but it was like crack whore karaoke. When they dismissed her again, she flipped them off and called Simon an asshole. She was the most entertaining thing about the whole flop of an hour. Oh, and there was some fake drama about Patricia Roma in PR, who sang a perfectly fine version of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." The judges pretended like she wasn't good enough and fake debated her merits while her 100 family members waited for her to emerge with a golden ticket to Hollywood.

Next week it's Hollywood and finally on to the real competition. If you can't wait to find out who makes the Top 36, Vote for the Worst has just about got it narrowed down. Oh, and if you check yesterday's comments, you'll see that Chris Kirkham, who auditioned with the giant bunny, left a comment. That's two Idol contestants (Ross Plavsic was the other) who are reading Modern Confessional. Thanks for reading, guys, and having a sense of humor. Now if Alexis Cohen would comment, it would be a trifecta of near holy proportions.