American Idol 8 - Salt Lake City Auditions

American Idol Season 8 has been two shows a week, until now. I found out tonight it's a three-fer, with auditions tomorrow in New York City and the rumored hot mess that is Puerto Rico. Make it stop! The Salt Lake City show wasn't as boring as last night's coma-inducer, but it was pretty damn close. Not to mention, we got plants and sob stories galore.

The first plant was front and center: David Osmond. His dad was one of the original Osmonds, making David the nephew of Donny and Marie. David has been singing with the family since he was a kid, but the Osmond name ain't what it used to be. Marie is peddling crazy and dolls on QVC and just finished up playing some Las Vegas dates with Donny. I can't rip on David too much because, sadly, he suffers from MS. And so does his dad. David was in a wheelchair and lost use of his hands for a time last year, but the MS is in remission. He has a nice, bland voice and was sent to Hollywood, but rumor has it that he gets cut there.

Tara Mathews was labeled as SLC's only "goth," who used her ESP to predict the death of friends, family and people on TV. Unfortunately, she couldn't envision her own death in front of the judges singing "Someday I'll Fly Away" from Moulin Rouge. I, on the other hand, could see it coming from the moment she came on screen looking like an escapee from a Rocky Horror Picture Show sing-a-long, her tubby frame vacuum sealed into a latex dress, complete with garters and fishnets. Timewarp yourself back to the midnight show, honey.

Chris Kirkham brought his "friend" Greg, who dressed up like a giant pink bunny. I smell some plushie love going on (go on...Google it). I have no memory of what Chris sang, but the giant bunny picked Simon up and shook him like a rag doll until I thought he might slip a disk. Frankie Jordan -- a cross between Jennifer Love Hewitt and Amy Winehouse -- sang "You Know I'm No Good" (by Winehouse) and was sent straight to Hollywood. Continuing on the Brit tip, Megan Corkerie -- a mini-sob story about her divorce and single motherhood -- sang "Can't Help Loving That Man of Mine" and had a little Adele thing going on. 

During the commercial break, we got a sneak peek at season one winner Kelly Clarkson's new video for "My Life Would Suck Without You." It sounds amazingly like "Since You've Been Gone," and I think it's hilarious that Kelly wouldn't give Idol the time of day after her big hit album a few years ago. Then her second album went down faster than the Titanic, so she's back to sucking from the Idol tit. 

Austin Sisneros -- 17, class president, future douche -- sang two songs I've never heard of with a bit of a lisp, was all golly-gee-willickers, and the judges put him through with the advice that he be more contemporary. The next big plant was Taylor Vaifanua, who has a website, MySpace and an album out already. Kara made some comment about hearing her singing in the bathroom, but my guess is she heard her in a concert or a radio somewhere. Vote for the Worst outed her as a plant and are calling her Jordin Sparks 2.0. I'm going to need to hire a nurse to keep checking my pulse all season obviously. 

Then came the sob story to end all sob stories. I can't goof on this girl either because I genuinely felt sorry for her. Rose Flack lost both of her parents, lived in a van and at 17 is now living with her best friend's family. She's a hippy chick, but I liked her voice. She sang "I Feel the Earth Move" by Carole King and had that retro sound that's so hot right now with Duffy, Winehouse and Adele. They sent her to Hollywood and, golly gee willikers, I hope she does well.


I knew, with it being SLC, that there'd be some Bible Beaters there belting their crap.

The last girl was my favorite. Cute and talented.
Anonymous said…
I nearly choked on my own spit when i read that line about Marie peddling her crazy and dolls on QVC. One of your best lines ever. Tonight was a fucking yawn for me. I hope they have saved up all the crazies for tomorrow.

Do the Bunny Hump
Clare said…
Jimmy Osmond is currently in London playing Teen Angel in Grease!!!

I haven't managed to watch much of this season of American Idol yet so good to read up on it on your blog.
palais said…
I wish the Osmonds would just stop reproducing...
Plushies forever.
I am Chree-uz said…
Haha awesome. Don't worry, no such plushie love goin on there. Just a whole ton of jackassery.
Collin Kelley said…
Chris, thanks for checking in! Glad you had a good time on the show. You and the bunny were the highlight.

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