American Idol 8 - San Francisco Auditions

After watching the Obama inauguration festivities all day, I'm about television-ed out. Thankfully, American Idol was only one hour tonight, showing the best and worst of the San Francisco auditions. Let's dive right in, shall we...

Tatiana Del Toro claimed to be from Puerto Rico, but she's obviously been taking Madonna's fake accent classes. Besides being a singer, Tatiana is also a model, actor, director and bringer of spirits. Sporting a pageant gown from 1992 and with one of the most frightening laughs ever, Tatiana also brought an envelope with her CD, bio and naughty photos. She sang "Never Loved A Man" and when the judges wavered, sang a few other songs. Amazingly, her voice wasn't that terrible. They put her through to Hollywood, but she won't go any further. Tatiana said she consulted with one of America's top psychics, who told her she would be in the Top 12. Honey, get a refund. 

After a montage of some of San Francisco's users, boozers and losers, David-Anthony strolled in wearing an ugly plaid coat and looking reminiscent of a Cro-magnon man. Luckily, my phone rang right as he started to unhinge his jaw and sing. I don't know what he sang, but the judges sent him packing and I didn't have to listen to it. Jesus Veluza also had a questionable voice, but when he brought his two adorable kids in holding up signs asking the judges to put him through to Hollywood, of course they did. And one of the kids hugged Simon! Somebody call DFACS.

Akilah was obviously given a day pass from the crazy farm to audition, because she showed up with a dirty manila folder full of dog-eared, stained papers she'd printed out at the public library on how to be a gospel singer. She couldn't pronounce larynx or trachea ("larink" and "tracia," as she called them) and she decided to sing her own song, "Make Sweet Love." When that flopped, she tried to sing something else and -- I kid you not -- said she had to push her vocal up from her rectum. If I'd been drinking milk, it would have been coming out of my nose. Of course, Akilah got a little combative when they told her to get out, and Paula walked off the set. Maybe she was afraid Akilah was her next stalker (very doubtful since Akilah said she loved Paula's one hit song from the early 80s. Ouch.). In the post-audition interview, she said the judges were trying to "eractitate" her (you can't make this shit up) and she was worried she was going to come off looking like one of those "auditioners who can't sing." Ummmm...

Annei Murdoch -- looking like a drunk Anna Farris from the Scary Movie films -- tried to sing "Summertime" and appeared to be going into a seizure. Simon asked if she'd had a crate of booze before she came in for the audition. It was oddly uncomfortable to watch her. 

The show closed on a positive note (shock!) with a little emo eye-candy courtesy of Adam Lambert. Other blogs are calling him a plant, since he's already got a career in musical theater and was starring in Wicked when he auditioned. He has a big voice and is really cute. He'll go far. Start dialing, gay boys! This is our chance to put one of our own back at the top -- although he's probably a bottom. He's already taken down his MySpace page, which is a sure spoiler that he's going to be on the show for awhile.

Then there was tonight's tearjerker, a scruffily cute guy name Kai Kolama, who works as a musician by night and takes care of his mom by day. She suffers from a seizure disorder and was all weepy about how her boy had sacrificed his life to take care of her. He sang "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes," and Simon said he sounded like a cruise ship singer (which he kinda did), but he got four yeses from the judges and is off to Hollywood. 

They only put 12 people through from San Francisco. Tomorrow night, it's off to Louisville. 

(Photo Courtesy of IdolBlogLive.com, a site with great AI news and recaps)