American Idol 8 - Top 13 Perform

After nearly two months of audition shows, Hollywood week, Top 36 winnowing and wild card foolery, this weird season of American Idol is finally into the "real" competition phase. Paula Abdul was fabulously whacked out of her mind on pills and her outfit made her look like one of the geese sucked into Captain Sully's airplane before he crashed into the Hudson. Kara was wearing this giant 1983-era scarf wrapped around her throat and tied off in a bow like my Aunt Brenda would have worn to a funeral. Despite the judges always bitching about contestants doing Michael Jackson songs, guess what tonight's theme was? You guessed it, the Michael Jackson songbook. Blah.

Lil Rounds: I'm still concerned she's in it more for the money than the art. The judges loved her version of "The Way You Make Me Feel," (Simon thought it was good, not great), but I thought she sounded nasal and shrill, plus the arrangement was very Love Boat. 

Scott MacIntyre: Yep, he's still blind and the producers are never going to let us forget it. He picked some obscure album cut from Dangerous called "Keep the Faith" that is pure up with people pablum. I could taste vomit in the back of my throat. Paula and Kara loved it, Randy thought it was safe, and Simon hated it. Quote of the night from Simon: "You can be artistic, just not on this show." Doh!

Danny Gokey: It appears Danny and the producers took the hint from the online outrage about the continuous pimping of his dead wife, because she wasn't mentioned in his intro package. He did a Michael McDonald version of "PYT" and was frugging all over the stage like a constipated chicken. Paula was creaming her feathers, and I swear she's had some eye work done since last week. Her whole face looked tighter. They judges love him, but he gives me the creeps.

Michael Sarver: The oil rig roughneck sang "You Are Not Alone" (ack!) and it was fine. He's just some dude who got lucky. He's got an okay voice, but he's never going to win. I hope he didn't quit that day job on the rig.

Jasmine Murray: Cute, nice voice, but she's completely indistinguishable from every other pop singer wannabe. Simon called her performance of  "I'll Be There" robotic, and I concur. Maybe she'll make enough money off the tour to buy her mom a new wig. I'm just sayin...

Kris Allen: He was channeling John Mayer on his performance of "Remember the Time," and I liked it, but the real surprise here was that he's got a wife!  Simon hilariously suggested he should have kept her hidden for a few weeks, which seemed to baffle everyone everyone, but I got it loud and clear -- work those cutie pie looks for the tween and gay vote. Knowing he's all churchified and got a little blonde wife does kind rub the hot right off him. Sigh. 

Allison Iraheta: She's 16, has a good voice, but she looked like a day-shift hooker and that hair is just all shades of ugly. She sang "Give In To Me," and the judges are still calling her a dark horse. 

Anoop Desai: I'm already sick of the NoopDawg nickname, but I may not have to hear it again after his disastrous performance of "Beat It." Even Miss Pills Abdul swam out of her Vicodin haze and called it bad karaoke. Epic fail, Noop. 

Jorge Nunez: The judges raked him over the coals for his version of "Never Can Say Goodbye," but I thought it was fine. He has a great voice. I hope he stays and the "glam squad" make-up team they keep talking about holds him down and uses an Epilady on his eyebrows.

Megan Corkrey: Umm..."Rockin Robin?" Really? It was a terrible song choice and the twisty dancing thing is getting annoying, too. I've lost that lovin' feeling. 

Adam Lambert: Hang on...I'm still fanning myself over his hotness. Paula -- the medication now fully kicked in -- was having an Exorcist moment flinging herself back and forth in her chair, but he really just blew everyone else away with his cover of "Black or White." It was a wee bit shouty and the arrangement needed to be kicked up a few beats per minute, but his presence on stage and those notes he hits are stellar. 

Matt Giraud: Still working the Justin Timberlake thing sitting at the piano and covering "Human Nature." He's cute enough to make it a few more weeks, but I could care less. 

Alexis Grace: The pink-tips on her blonde hair are a bit 2007 for me and her choice of "Dirty Diana" was strange. They were running late on time, so her critique was basically good but not great. She'll probably stick around. 

Since they are voting off two tomorrow night, I'd say Anoop is a goner and either Jorge or Megan. They also mentioned some other big twist happening tomorrow night during the results show -- which will feature Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson -- that will change the competition. Oh, brother...