American Idol - Top 7 Perform

One of the worst nights of American Idol this season, even with Quentin Tarantino as the guest mentor for "songs of the cinema." Lost was his frank critique when he was a guest judge in season three, so QT was basically there to shill his upcoming movie, Inglorious Bastards. I loves me some QT, but he was useless tonight. Even worse was the decision by the producers to have the critiques in pairs of judges, meaning Randy and Kara judged some and Paula and Simon judged the others. This was absolute AmericanIdolFail (someone get that on Twitter!). Why truncate the show because the director and producers can't bring the show in at an hour?! Idiots. And the songs tonight? Absolute cheesy hell...except for Adam, of course.

Allison Iraheta: She lost points immediately with me for picking the uber-cheesy "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." I can't stand this fucking song. Paula, already flying high on pills and blinded by the cubic zirconia of her dominatrix choker, said Allison has the same "sauce" as Adam. Simon said she was brilliant. I thought she sounded breathy and flat. Allison's hair also matched her pants tonight. Horrible.

Anoop Desai: Oh, sweet Jeebus.  If there's anything I hate more than "I Don't Want to Miss A Thing" it's Bryan Adams' schmaltz-fest "Everything I Do." Ick, blech, patooey! Luckily, he sang it well, changed up the melody and was on pitch. Randy and Kara loved it. I'm sure Simon would have had something nasty to say, and Paula something incoherent. 

Adam Lambert: A totally head-banging, rocking version of "Born to Be Wild" from my future husband. He was sexy as hell,  jumping around the stage, using that amazing range and even the band seemed to be into it. The audience went absolutely mad and Paula said something about "daring to dance in the path of greatness" and Simon thought it was good, but not as good as last week. Ummm...it's apples and oranges, Simon. Actually, Paula said that in her one coherent moment of the evening.

Matt Giraud: Another Bryan Adams song? Ugh! Even worse than "Everything I Do" is his "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman." This wet turd of a song was covered in cheese by Matt, who changed up the melody and missed more notes than he hit. Randy and useless Kara didn't like it. Anyone catch Simon making gag faces while Kara was talking? She's got to go.

Danny Gokey: He took of the Sally Jessy Raphael glasses for once and poured the hot, gooey cheese that is "Endless Love." I started making the gag face the moment the camera cut to the harpist on stage. This performance was so cruise ship horrible that Paula and Simon had to pretend they liked it to keep pimping Danny's useless ass. Might be his first visit to the bottom three, but he won't go home.

Kris Allen: Dressed almost identically as Gokey, Kris decided to sing the song "Falling Slowly" from the beautiful little film Once. I love this song, and Kris was just so-so. The first half was one long, flat note, but he picked up at the end. Randy didn't like it, Kara loved it and then I realized it was already eight minutes to 9 p.m. and Lil hadn't even performed. Even with paired judges, they can't bring this show in under an hour. Maybe less cheesy openings, less packaged nonsense and chatter, guys? This isn't rocket science, you morons. Kris will be in the bottom three.

Lil Rounds: After performing a messy, gospel/country tinged version of Bette Midler's "The Rose" and getting some babble from Paula about her road being long and a big thumbs down from Simon ("You're not the artist we thought you were seven or eight weeks ago."), Lil decided to get some attitude and talk back, which is never a good idea. She loved the song and did her own R&B thing -- which proves she knows even less about music than I thought, because there was nothing R&B about it. Bottom three, and probably going home.