American Idol Season 8 Finale - Kris Allen wins

Nearly 100 million people voted last night to decide if Adam Lambert or Kris Allen would win American Idol season eight. The boys came out wearing white and then Miss Seacrest introduced the judges with "funny" clip packages of their catchphrases from the season. Paula's clip package was like one of those old filmstrips they showed you in health class about drug addiction. Just say no, kids, just say hell to the no.

The Top 13 returned (and I had forgotten most of them) to sing a lackluster cover of "So What" by Pink and prove that white is not everyone's color. Scott MacIntyre -- still blind -- looked particularly lost in the half-assed choreography. I wonder what corner of the stage they'll stick him in during the tour? David Cook sang another new single, "Permanent," while the swaybots were in full force in the audience. For the embarrassment portion of the evening, they brought back Nick "Normund Gentle" Mitchell to sing "I Am Telling You, I'm Not Going."

Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah brought an extra dose of badonkadonk to sing "Cue the Rain." Queen was in danger of sucking the entire audience into her catsuit camel toe. Jason Mraz showed up to sing "I'm Yours" with Alexis Grace (remember her?) and Anoop Desai (who's allegedly tapping Megan Joy's herky-jerky ass) and then Kris Allen sang "I Want to Kiss A Girl" with Keith Urban. Sorta random. The cameras cut twice to Justin "Sideshow Bob" Guarini in the audience. How did he even get in the theater? Security! 

There was a four alarm day shift hooker alert as the Top 5 girls came out to sing "Glamorous" by Fergie. Megan Joy was particularly bad, probably on purpose. Fergie herself came out to sing "Big Girls Don't Cry" and Black Eyed Peas joined her for "Boom Boom Pow." Then Bikini Girl strolled out on stage in a bikini (of course) to show off her new boob job and sing "Vision of Love." She was soon joined by Kara, who ripped off her dress to reveal a bikini and tried to outsing Bikini Girl. Two skanks for the price of one. This was a new low even for Idol.

Luckily, Cyndi Lauper showed up to sing an acoustic version of "Time After Time" with Alison Iraheta. It was a class act, best of the night. I love Cyndi. Of course, it was immediately ruined by Danny Gokey singing "Hello" before Lionel Richie came out for a medley including "All Night Long." Danny, wearing a Members Only jacket, skinny tie and ill-fitting jeans, looked uncomfortably like a creepy child-toucher. Then they cut to David Hasselhoff. I'm going to need an IV to replenish my fluids after so much vomiting.

In a totally unexpected move, Adam -- wearing fetish gear and platform boots Stevie Nicks would second guess -- joined KISS for a medley that included "Beth," "Detroit Rock City" and "Rock and Roll All Night." It was so over the top, it was unbelievable. KISS looked a little bloated and not in great voice, but the pyrotechnics and Adam's voice more than made up for it. It rocked. 

That cannot be said for Carlos Santana accompanying Matt "Mr. Mole" Giraud on "Black Magic Woman" and "Smooth" with the Top 13. David Cook gave Adam and Kris new Ford Fusion cars and then Steve Martin showed up to play banjo on a song with Megan Joy and Michael Sarver, who's put on a few pounds since being voted off. Want even more randomness? Rod Stewart showed up looking like my drunk grandfather in a plaid coat from 1973 to sing "Maggie May." I thought he was going to fall down the stairs and break a hip. And who do they save for the last humiliation? Tatiana del Toro, of course. They did a fake set up where she rushed the stage and security tried to throw her off, but she kept singing "Saving All My Love" until they cut to commercial. That was the last official sighting of Tatiana. Ever. 

I predicted somewhere that Queen would show up and, sure enough, they did and accompanied Adam and Kris on "We Are the Champions." They should hire Adam. Freddie Mercury would be proud.

Finally, after two looooooooong hours, it was announced that Kris Allen had somehow managed to beat favorite Adam Lambert. I'm pretty sure it was the Christian crazy vote that swung to Kris after Gokey was voted off. The great thing is that Kris is saddled with  Kara DioGuardi's shitty coronation song "No Boundaries" and Adam is going to  become a huge star without having to worry about being tied down to shitty Idol music. I'm actually happy with this result, although it would have been nice to have a big, out gay guy as the American Idol. Ah, well...

Thanks for reading the recaps everyone. Thank god it's over for another year.