FORGET ME NOTS: Diana Ross, looking sober and lucid (which, as you can see, is not always the case) was "mentor" for the Top 12 tonight on American Idol. By "mentor" that means she got free publicity for her new album, some royalty kickbacks and more than a few awkward moments with the contestants. Some seemed to be in awe, some looked at her like she was a frizzy-wig wearing freak show. The girls, as expected, kicked the guys collective asses, but what this show proved is that the competition is really between two people: Melinda and Lakisha.

Brandon Rogers - The former back-up singer did "You Can't Hurry Love." He was off key in the beginning, forgot the words and his dancing was atrocious. Predictable and boring. Cute won't carry him much longer. He's in serious trouble.

Melinda Doolittle - Took "Home" from The Wiz and made it her own. Another flawless vocal. She made Paula cry, which isn't hard, but even Simon was having trouble coming up with superlatives. She's in a totally different class than the rest of the singers.

Chris Sligh - What the fuck was he smoking when he came up with this idea? He created the arrangement for "Endless Love" (an enduring 80s piece of pop treacle) and meshed it with Coldplay's "Speed of Sound." Calling it shitty and self-indulgent is being kind. Emotionless, droning and even Paula didn't like it. You know you're in trouble when Miss P. (and the P is for pills) says "you're trying too hard to be hip."

Gina Glocksen - A forgettable version of "Love Child." She was pitchy and shouty. Simon called it a "middle of the pack performance." Yep.

Sanjaya Malakar - Lawdy me. This is the hottest of hot messes. Why didn't he just come out in drag? Wait...he almost did. He teased his hair to look like Diana's, wore dangly earrings and was doing this sissy dance that made me want to gay bash him. His version of the belter "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" was a simpering bore. Miss Ross said "Sanjaya is love," which translates to Sanjaya is the biggest 'mo to ever appear on television. Somewhere in heaven, Paul Lynde and Liberace are pointing and laughing. Obviously, singing "I'm Coming Out" would have been an understatement.

Haley Scarnato - Miss Should Have Gone Home Last Week did "Missing You," probably my favorite tune by Diana Ross, and forgot the words. However, it might have been her best performance. She got a little verklempt during the song and it added some much needed emotion to the evening. Unfortunately, the horrible dress she was wearing made her look like a muffin and perching on the stool made her look like she was sitting on a toilet.

Phil Stacey - A passable, if not a little boring, version of Diana's duet with Marvin Gaye, "Love and Affection." As Simon noted, it was another middle of the pack performance.

Lakisha Jones - She chose "God Bless the Child," which Diana sang in character as Billie Holliday in Lady Sings the Blues. Kiki was definitely working the Billie tip tonight, wearing a long, elegant white gown and a masterful, controlled vocal. Simon said she and Melinda are in a different league from everyone else on the show. I'm telling you, those girls are the top two in May.

Blake Lewis - There are rumors that Blake has let the press and praise of being the "top guy" performer go to his head. I dismissed it until tonight. He's turned into a cocky Justin Timberlake wannabe. He slaughtered the classic "You Keep Me Hanging On," turning it into an electronic drone on his Mac, and the"fuck you" grin on his face while the judges were telling him he was shitty made me want to slap this lipless wonder back to Seattle. And he wasn't even wearing tight pants tonight. Not good, dawg, not good.

Stephanie Edwards - Letting these neophytes try and arrange their own songs should be banned. Stephanie took Diana's 70s hit "Love Hangover" and basically sang the intro and skipped the uptempo disco part. Say which? A good vocal, but she totally destroyed this dancey number, and also forgot the words.

Chris Richardson - A nasally, oversung version of "The Boss." He's cute, but he's trying so hard to be JustinTimberlake that it's embarrassing. He's working the JT hair, clothing and falsetto hard. It was terrible.

Jordin Sparks - She managed to pull her best vocal on the little known "If We Hold On Together" (from the animated film The Land Before Time). The judges were a little over-effusive in their praise, but she did close the show on a high note. Which wasn't hard after some of the terrible performances tonight.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Coll--Lisa Allender here--yep--I think you've nailed it--Definitely going to be Melinda and LaKisha in the top two--but who'll be the third in the Top Three? Another woman?I'm thinking Jordin could actually do it--I liked her ALOT, early on. She's not confident enough, but I think she has grace, beauty, AND a good(though not awesome), versatile singing voice...

And what the HELL? WHY did Stephanie DO THAT to "Love Hangover"??I dee-jayed during 1978, and I recall lots of disco-songs from the late 1970's/early 80's.....That song eventually became ICONIC of the disco-years----BECAUSE of the dance-part, NOT the "intro"..

The men are just pointless...
It feels like torture when the singing is bad, but I guess I'm addicted. I could not bring myself to turn OFF the T.V.--I kept HOPING performances would get better...sigh...
Anonymous said…
Last night was so bad I may stop watching. I'd tap Chris and Blake but they cant sing for shit and you can tell Blake thinks he's the hottest. WRONG! Chris Sligh is ugly and he fucked up Keep Me Hanging On. Its Lakisha and Mindy Doo all the way.

GAV
Collin - yet again a nice recap. Who needs to watch when you've got "and was doing this sissy dance that made me want to gay bash him"???? Also a big fan of: "and the"fuck you" grin on his face while the judges were telling him he was shitty made me want to slap this lipless wonder back to Seattle."

On the radio this morning all the DJs were talking about what Simon said, and all I could think of was the point during each season when Simon busts out his trademarked: "oy think ahmeriker gut it royght." I wonder who he'll say that about this season?
BLUE said…
there's a special disco-lights boudoir in the hot place for you, CK ... posting this GORGEOUS pic of Diana "The Boss" Ross!!! classic. i'm still laughing my head off about it.

light!
Jennifer said…
Collin, Your update is excellent! i cannot post mine, as Blogger is acting like a little bitch and will not let me post my pictures. What is up with that? Has it ever happned to you? Is it Brandon's fault? Sanjay's? Miss Ross'?
Collin said…
Yes, I've had problems with posting pics before. It's usually some issue with blogger. Clear your cookies and cache if it continues to not let you post. I'd just keep trying.
C. Dale said…
Your round up is beyond fantastic. An entertainment mag should totally pick you up for Idol roundups weekly. You are dead on! Love it.
Anonymous said…
DIANA ROSS WAS GREAT. They were all in aw over you, you fucking idiot!
Collin said…
^ I was going to delete the anonymous post above, but as it makes no coherent sense whatsoever, I decided to leave it. Must try harder if you're going to slag me off on my own blog you moron.

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