POPCORN & CORNPONE: It seems like every month there's a new finding, study or warning telling us what's good and bad for us to eat. Now, they've discovered you can get cancer and die from microwave popcorn. It's official -- anything that tastes good will kill you. Turns out an additive called diacetyl that gives microwave popcorn its buttery flavor will give you lung disease. It's even got a name now -- popcorn lung. Of course, my favorite brand, Act II, is one of the big offenders. Okay, so you have to eat multiple bags a day for years, but everyone is freaking out and popcorn makers are scrambling to look for a non-lethal additive that will still give the snack taste. Oddly, Jiffy Pop has no diacetyl, but who wants to stand over a hot stove shaking a pan for 20 minutes? My dad used to make Jiffy Pop and you never knew what was going to happen. Sometimes you would have the "perfect pop" and the foil would blow up like a balloon. Sometimes the kernels would burn in the pan and you'd get a couple of handfuls of edible popcorn. Act II always microwaves perfectly in about a minute. Sigh. I might as well go suck on some Mattel toys.

Now on to the cornpone. Actor and conservative Fred Thompson officially entered the presidential race on the Tonight Show and thousands of Republicans took their dicks in their hands and jacked for joy. Apparently, many Repubes and Christian terrorists think good ole' boy Fred is the answer to the moderate, gay-loving, Mormon flip-floppers who have currently announced. He's the next Ronnie Rayguns. An even better reason to defeat his ass. Fred is a former senator from Tennessee, and his record of getting legislation passed was almost nil, but he made a mint as a lobbyist. Fred says he's a "common sense conservative" while pandering about the "sanctity of life." Spare me. Despite working in Hollywood for more than 20 years, Thompson's voting record on gay rights is abysmal. He voted "no" on expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation, he voted "yes" on Dubya's defense of marriage act and voted "no" on a federal bill to prohibit employment discrimination based on sexual orientation. Fred, go back to Law & Order and keep your homophobic ass out of the White House. We've already had eight years of fascism.

Comments

Jennifer said…
My dog's feet smell like popcorn.
i stick popcorn bags out the back door and open them with my head turned so i dont inhale the deadly fumes.

turns out the whole fuckin bag is deadly now, eh?

shit.

that Fred guy needs a serious face lift.

and brain transplant.
popcorn: Jiffy Pop Rocks. I distinctly remember the popping pan catching on fire and my father needing to beat it out with the potholders.

cornporn: if he's running than so should sam waterston. He could easily win by mumbling.
Peter said…
Now that microwave popcorn is bad, I am waiting for them to say that precooked microwave bacon is bad for you, too; or that vodka from gallon plastic bottles is bad for you; or that the tomatoes I grow in my own f***ing yard are bad for you. Jeezus! I guess just plain living is deadly, so we may as well go out in flames, eh?

And yes, Fred T. needs a face lift, and to have the butt plug extracted.
Collin said…
MM, M and P -- You guys are all hilarious!

J - Does your dog's feet contain diacetyl? You may get "dog lung" if you breath in his scent for too long. :)
KATE EVANS said…
Re: Thompson. YOU GO, Collin. Tell it like it is! This is a great entry.
Anonymous said…
Orville Redebacher popcorn will kill you too. I better go stock up before they fuck up the taste. Have you noticed ever since Layes started using sunflower oil the potato chips dont taste quite the same?

Thompson looks like a big douche.

GAV
Jennifer said…
No, I don't think the dog has diacetyl feet. But some days her paws smell like Frito's. Dog always feet have a warm, corny smell to them. It's heaven.
Oh well, if you're going to microwave anything...

It's asking for trouble.

Yrs eccentrically
Jilly said…
Thompson was my congressman for a while. The worst sort of panderer.

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