AMERICAN IDOL 7 - CHARLESTON, SC: The auditions moved on to Charleston, South Carolina tonight for another quick one-hour episode. From the judges' comments and the montages, finding 23 people out of 10,000 to send to Hollywood wasn't easy.
The show began with Raysharde (make that Gaysharde), who called himself the "black Clay Aiken" and had a fro straight outta Foxy Brown. He butchered Bonnie Raitt's classic I Can't Make You Love Me and Simon compared him to a 1970s cruise ship singer. They wouldn't have let this 'mo on the Love Boat. He was followed by DeAnna, a waitress from the same North Carolina town as season five's Kellie "My daddy's in prison" Pickler. She howled her way through Reba's Fancy, falling to her knees and beating her chest. That act might work at karaoke night in the trailer park, but not on Idol. Back to serving all you can eat breakfast, DeAnna.
Crystal and Rudy started chatting on the Idol message board and then met in a parking lot in Charleston by a trash can. Insert your own joke here. They sang some country song together and Simon labeled it "torture." At least they've got each other. Then there was the brother and sister duo of Michelle and Jeffery -- 10 tons of South Carolina fun who could actually sing. The editors cleverly cut this together to make them look crazy (although Jeffrey wins the award for biggest queen of season seven so far), but they blew the roof off the place singing I'm No Angel. Both are going to Hollywood.
During the commercial break, they showed an advert for the new MacBook Air. Have you guys seen this thing? It's gorgeous!!! Now I want one of those. Ugh! Rich man...where are you?
Catholic school girl cheerleader Amy, who preaches to teens about abstinence (the Bible thumpers get younger and younger), was not that good and Simon called her annoying, but they still let her through. London Weidberg took time off from pursuing music to care for her dying father. She had an okay, cabaret voice and they put her through to H'wood, but then they bagged Lindsey Goodman, the tiny Air Force pilot who flies giant C-17 cargo planes. She wasn't bad at all.
They saved the real crazies for the end tonight. First up was Aretha, whose gigantic tits were overly-accentuated by a tube dress and belt (pictured). She shrieked Whitney's I Have Nothing and then got nasty with the judges and I think they were about to call security on her. When she went out to the lobby, she was met by her tiny boyfriend/husband who's entire body could fit between her ta-tas. Joshua Boson performed the grand mal seizure version of I Am Telling You I'm Not Going until it looked like his head was going to explode, then went into a rant about Idol being "fake and rigged" when the judges rejected him.
The show wrapped with Oliver Highman, who had to leave auditions the day before when he wife's water broke and she went into labor. The next day, he was back with wife (man, they really push you out of the hospital quick these days, don't they?) and baby, Emma. Sadly, Oliver couldn't hit a note of Oleta Adams' Get Here, but he does have a newborn to take home. Awwwww.
Next week, it's on to Omaha.