AMERICAN IDOL 7 - DALLAS AUDITIONS: Texas must have been giving out day passes from the state hospitals for the American Idol auditions in Dallas. I've never seen so many freaks. Apparently, there wasn't much talent because Randy, Paula and Simon let some people through to Hollywood who needed to be back on the short bus by 6 p.m. They even let Brandon Green, who chews off his fingernails and keeps them in a bag, through after singing Rich Girl by Hall & Oates. Seriously?

The first hour of tonight's show was pretty terrible. Trailer trash screaming Kelly Clarkson and Elliot Yamen, a 19-year-old virgin who's waiting until marriage to kiss accompanied by his super creepy "father," and a girl named Kayla Dawn who had half her face ripped off in a car accident and when they rebuilt her, she came back as a loopier Amanda Plummer. She howled her way through Piece of My Heart and totally got through on a sympathy vote. Then Katie Malloy did a great impersonation of Brit Brit when she was sane. She sang another song as herself, but it still sounded like Brit to me. She's pretty and smiley, so they sent her on to Hollywood.

I guess the producers decided that they had held back last night on the number of mentally challenged contestants because hour two was like something out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Douglas Davidson said he idolized Christina Aguilera and his father hated him. He walked in circles, sweated profusely and all the voices in his head got to sing a verse or two of Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. He refused to leave and had to be escorted out by security. They really shouldn't encourage karaoke in psych wards.

Angela Riley's total piece of ass husband/male model, Chad, helped pick her audition song, Baby Love. He must have met her at karaoke night at Hooters because as Simon said, "love is deaf." Nerd-o-licious Kyle Ensley wants to be the next American Idol and the governor of Oklahoma. Shockingly, he sang Queen's Somebody to Love in tune, but it sounded like a glee club. He managed to get a golden ticket to Hollywood.

Tammy said she idolized Celine Dion and listened to her music every day. Apparently, it's caused some kind of brain damage because Tammy would just let her sentences trail off and stare blankly into space. She said she was going to sing Power of Love, but then sang If You Asked Me To like Minnie Mouse on Thorazine.

After a montage of screaming drag queens, it was three douches in a row. First was Colton Swon, sporting spiky, bleached blond hair (so 1998) and singing some shitty country song. They let him through, but it must have been desperation on the judges' part. Then there was Drew Poppelreiter, a cornpone cowboy who had rarely been off the farm, never flown on an airplane and prefers hay bales to the big city. Total douche, but kinda hot with his mouth closed. Sang some Travis Tritt song that I've already forgotten. They let him through. Enjoy that plane ride, Drew, because it will be your last.

Douche three was a head-scratcher. Kyle described himself as a "hardcore rocker." I describe him as a hardcore homosexual. There was enough eyeliner, blush and bronzer on this creep to give Tammy Faye Bakker pause. He attempted Kelly Clarkson's Never Again (oh, yeah, totally hardcore!) and minced around while throwing demonic faces. Oh, and get this: he's a kids' counselor by day. I have a feeling his classroom will be empty tomorrow after the parents get a load of this rope smoking douche.

The hour ended with a montage of the most tone deaf contestants the producers could find to sing Kelly's Since You Been Gone and a 44-year-old named Renaldo, pictured above, dressed up like Liberace singing a song he'd written for Simon called You're My Brother. They let this hot mess go and on and Paula got up and started doing the song in sign language and bumping and grinding on him. I guess they needed to fill for 10 minutes. After they kicked him out, he cried over Simon's kindness. Time for your meds and four-point restraints, Renaldo. Lord...

After two days of auditions in Dallas, they picked 24 to go to Hollywood. Next week, it's on to San Diego.

Comments

Anonymous said…
The farmer boy was hot as fuck. Id let him bale my hay anytime. The shit at the end with the old guy in the silver cape was just stupid. Everyone is right that your recaps are better than the show.

GAV
RJGibson said…
Great recap.

Apparently the teensy soupcon of soul I had left at the end of 07 is regenerating. I could only watch a couple of minutes at a time before feeling mortified for some of these people. Then I'd switch the channel for a little break and go back.

I did watch all of the bon jovi dude. He was riveting. They need to up his dosage.
ButtonHole said…
This is some of the funniest shit I've read in FOREVER! I've never watched this little program, but I don't feel the need: you have made it LIVE. Some people might be looking forward to the next episode. Me? I'm just looking for your take on it! GREAT STUFF!
jenni said…
LOL. Love your Idol posts! Crack me up. Agree with it all.
minus five said…
collin, i only got through most of the first hour. it's not as funny if someone isn't legitimately fucked up.

and is it just me or does paula seem kind of sober?
Collin said…
Minus, you are so right. Paula is sober and quite coherent this season, which is a big disappointment. She's so much more entertaining on the pills. lol
Anne said…
Ha! I was watching tennis all evening and completely missed this, but now I feel like I was there. I'm still in "no, really, I'm not going to get hooked on this damn show again this season, REALLY" mode. We'll see how long that lasts.
train wrecks get people to tune in, don't they?
Lisa Allender said…
Coll, thank you for helping me to be able to laugh again... Your takes on the contestants--and judges--of American Idol are hilarious.
Tania Rochelle said…
This might be what you were born to do.
Collin said…
Well, I wish someone would pay me. I do think my recaps are funnier than Entertainment Weekly's. Hint, hint, if anyone reading this knows anyone at EW.

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