AMERICAN IDOL 7 - TOP 12 RESULTS: I'm going to call tonight's bizarre Top 12 results show Horton Hears A Whore, because they devoted most of this hour to pimping out Fox's big-budget animated film that just happens to open Friday. Ugh! The show started two minutes early on the east coast at 7:58 p.m. They did some lame bit with the animated cast of Horton gathering to watch the show, then Jim "I'm contractually obligated to be in this elephant costume" Carrey sitting in the audience making desperately unfunny jokes. Double ugh! Then, Gaycrest made the shocking announcement that there will be a second week of Lennon and McCartney songs! Noooooo!!! This is a big, big mistake. Last night proved the majority of these contestants do not have the maturity -- or charisma -- to handle such iconic songs. Why would they subject them -- and us! -- to another week? Two words: Cha-ching!
This was followed by one of the messiest group sings ever. I think they were having technical problems on the live feed because you couldn't hear Michael Johns at all when he was singing with Carly and Kristy Lee. Syesha and Ramiele's mics were too low and drowned out by the band going hell for leather on the WORST.BEATLES.MEDLEY.EVER. God, it was a nightmare. From little David Archuleta swiveling his boy hips to David Hernandez doing stripper poses to Amanda Overmyer being stranded on the side of the stage growling like a cat in heat. When they started singing Help! I was screaming my head off, and then to put a giant cherry -- make that raspberry -- on this hot mess they cut to Sanjaya in the audience!
After a commercial break, Gaycrest announced Syesha was in the bottom three and then made her sing. I cannot recall them ever making a contestant sing before they were voted off. After an embarrassing Ford commercial with the contestants singing Cake's The Distance and pretending to be presidential candidates (who thinks this crap up? And does Syesha get paid extra since she was already in Ford commercials before being on AI?), Kristy Lee Cook was put into the bottom three. She hilariously apologized for murdering Eight Days a Week by saying, "Sorry you have to hear it again." Me, too, honey. She sang it, kicked it like a dead mule and you could see in her face that she thought she was going back to her horseless farm. Remember she sold that horse to go to auditions. Awwwww.... blech.
To kill even more time, they did a call in where pre-screened fans asked inane questions not even worth repeating here. Oh, wait, one guy said Simon and Gaycrest should duke it out on stage and Gaycrest responded, "load in the mud." Watch out, Miss Ryan, the queen in you is slipping out. After this nonsense, David Foster came out with Idol has been Katherine McPhee to sing Something In The Way She Moves. Kat was dressed like one of ex-Gov. Spitzer's hookers and the whole performance was coma-inducing.
The minor shock of the evening was David Hernandez being in the bottom three. Gaycrest asked him how it felt to be in the bottom three and I couldn't help but blurt out: "Like a night with no tips at Dick's Cabaret." I know, I know...I'm a catty bitch. But you could have knocked my snarky ass over with a feather when they eliminated David. He was not the worst last night, and I hate to say it, but his gay stripper past had to have played a part in his early departure. Kristy Lee Cook got a huge pass, as did Ramiele Malubay. There were godawful last night and have survived again to butcher more Beatles classics next week. I need a drink.
On a positive note, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's posted at the blog, at the recap on Entertainment Weekly's website and the hundreds who visited the blog since last night's performance by the Top 12. I pledge to keep being snarky all season long.