JORDIN WINS AMERICAN IDOL. DUH: Two hours and ten minutes of soul-sucking tedium later, we now know Jordin Sparks is the new American Idol. This finale was such a bore, I was nearly comatose on the couch. I took two pages of notes, and I'll try to hit some highlights of the show, some of which was an inevitable train wreck.

Starting with the good, Kelly Clarkson owned this night. While the other Idol winners and runner-ups have racked up big sales, Clarkson is a true star. She sang "Never Again," which is one of the nastiest kiss-off songs to an ex-lover I've ever heard. Sounded hot, looked hot. Gwen Stefani's "live" version of her limp single "Four In the Morning" paled in comparison to Ms. Clarkson.

Ryan Gaycrest handed out the Golden Idol Awards, which are given to the mentally ill and attention whores who tried out last year and were humiliated on the audition shows. Margaret Fowler, working the Big Bird look she wore in January, was so fat she could barely get on stage. She screamed some nonsense poem and took up precious air time. Another went to the "howler monkey" boy and his chunky, challenged friend from Seattle. To further the humiliation, Gaycrest announced they had adopted a howler monkey (bush baby...whatever) at the Minneapolis Zoo in the boy's honor. Random and cruel at the same time.

The Top 6 guys from the season sang a medley with Smokey Robinson, who seriously (seriously!!!!) needs to lay off the plastic surgery. My friend Lisa called at the break and said his face was so tight he could barely sing and you could bounce a quarter off his cheeks. On the other hand, Gladys Knight looked natural and sang the shit out of her medley with the girls.

Blake and Doug E. Fresh (yeah, I had forgotten about him, too) did a beatbox showdown, Tony Bennett sang a song I've already forgotten, Melinda Doolittle sang a gospel song with BeBe and CeCe Winans, Carrie Underwood (with horrible pink-tinted hair) did her country version of The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You," the African Children's Choir were cute.

And then there was Sanjaya. Comparing him to JFK and MLK was a bit of a stretch (okay...a huge gaping hole), but he came out with Joe Perry on guitar and sang "You Really Got Me." He looked hot and pretty much screamed the song, but that's what we were expecting. I'm convinced the crying girl is a bit soft in the head. I mean...really...still crying?! I thought the rumored ponyhawk skit was beating a dead horse, but crying girl was worse. She's going to need hours and hours of therapy one day.

Green Day did a DOA version of John Lennon's "Working Class Hero" from the new Dafur benefit album, Instant Karma. It was really terrible. Only one other person can sell that song, and that's Marianne Faithfull. They should have had her on. Then they brought out Bette Midler -- who I love -- but she did a horrible version of "Wind Beneath My Wings." I thought her appearance on the show was really random, until they announced she's taking over Celine Dion's Vegas show. Hope she's working with a vocal coach, because the M in Divine Miss M was for mess tonight.

Kelly and a bunch of the other Idol winners did a Beatles tribute, and for a second I thought the big surprise guest was going to be Paul McCartney, but was just an unnecessary run of lifeless, half-assed covers that put the show over two hours. Crowning Jordin the winner seemed a bit rushed, and of course she sobbed (she's only 17....least we forget!) her way through her shitty coronation song, "This Is My Now."

It was fun blogging about Idol -- most of the time -- but it was a grind at the end. The show won't be back until January 2008, so that should give me time to recover. Tomorrow, we get back to poetry, writing and other rants and raves on this blog. Collin...out!


During a Grand Canyon commercial break, I read aloud your blog to Annie.

Yes, I'm learning about the show while watching it--and have learned the winner (big shock) before seeing the end of the West Coast version of the show.

I LOVED Kelly Clarkson. She is so standing on Janis Joplin's shoulders, making her proud.
ok i have no idea who the crying twatcake is really in that photo that has now appeared on your blog twice, but everytime i see it i burst out laughing so hard i get wet in my strangers-are-not-allowed-to-touch-me-there area. please tell me this crying girl is on youtube.
Collin said…
MM...of course the Crying Girl is on YouTube. Just search for Sanjaya or Crying Girl. I just saw our local news and they were interviewing Sanjaya and the Crying Girl walked up next to him and burst into tears. There is something wrong with her.
omg i found it! i thought she was a contestant who got the boot, but she was in the audience!

she needs better role models and a therapist.
Anonymous said…
Where were all the superstar guests like they had last year like Prince? They should have called it American Old People. Smoky Robinson, Gladys Knight, Tony Bennett? Simon is always complaining about the singers picking old songs and then the show is nothing but senior citizens with to much plastic surgery. Thank God this is over. Jordin won. Whoop de fucking doo.

DeadMule said…
Hi Collin, So American Idol's over. I think we (my whole family actually) are the only people on earth who have never watched even a single episode. LOL So, now maybe you'll post about something I actaully know something about. LOL Best, Helen
Clare said…
I'll be out when the show is on tomorrow and I knew I would be able to find out won on your blog :).

I am not surprised that Jordin won given that it was between her and Blake. Hopefully she'll get the nasty first song out of the way and go on to record better stuff since she is "only 17" lol!
minus five said…
most of last night was incredibly unfortunate. i couldn't believe joe perry participated in a song with sanjaya, or really that he came on american idol at all.

and of course kelly clarkson is better than all of them. she's from texas. it should be expected.

those fake awards were really over the top. especially with those two guys. the bigger kid reminded me of the boy on "bad santa." i don't know, it kind of made me sick what they did to them. they're not attention whores, there's really something wrong with them. it's the same feeling i got in high school when the popular kids would tease the special ed kids and pretend to be friends with them just so they could make fun of them.

this is my now.
Collin said…
What was Green Day doing there? Talk about selling out...even if it was for charity. And their cover of "Working Class Hero" really, really, really sucked.

I do think some of the people who come to audition are unbalanced, but I think so many realize now that they might be able to parlay a few minutes on AI into a career -- if they are bad and outrageous -- they act crazy just to get in front of the camera.

We've been singing that damn This Is My Now song all day at the office. What a laugh.
I love Kelly Clarkson anyway, but she BLEW IT UP with that song! Did you notice how the camera stayed on her when the song ended, and she turned a little from the mic, took a breath, and went "phew!" I was all, "yeah girl, phew is right!" I can't believe how great it was, and yeah, she made Gwen look like an entertainment loser, even though I immediately purchased that Gwen song because it was a good song. (i already have the Clarkson) Oh technology! Yeay Jordin!

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