Organizing your writing life

THIS SHIT IS BANANAS...AND SO IS SANJAYA'S HAIR: Let's just get right to Sanjaya Malakar's hair and choice of song, No Doubt's "Bathwater," on tonight's American Idol. He had his hair twirled up into seven ponytails to create some kind of mohawk, and he bobbed it to the beat of the song, which has the refrain, "I just love to wash in your old bathwater." Uh-huh. He sang it softly and with no energy, but did anyone catch the slight grin he gave when he sang the line, "I know I'm diving into my own destruction"? He obviously doesn't give a shit anymore. After the rampant racism and homophobia directed at him, I can't really blame him. He's going on the tour, he'll be on the cast album, he really has nothing to lose at this point. It was rumored that Gwen tried to talk him out of doing "Bathwater," but he did it anyway. I would have paid big money to hear him sing "Hollaback Girl." How hot would that have been? Sanjaya strutting through the audience, maybe wearing a Carmen Miranda outfit with a turban full of b-a-n-a-n-a-s. Hell...he might do it yet. Go, Sanjaya, go! As Simon said, it doesn't matter what Sanjaya sings or what the judges say. He's in his own universe. Sanjaya knows people are tuning in every week to see what he'll do, so he's become kinda savvy that way. The hair was a big middle finger to all the haters. I'm voting for him again. Maybe three times this week.

I have to give Gwen some credit -- she was honest with the kids. When they were murdering the songs, she told them so. Not that it did any good. It was still a night of train wrecks, but Randy, Paula and Simon seemed to be trying to deflect attention away from how shitty this season really is by heaping praise on the undeserving.

Lakisha Jones - KiKi came out wearing a table cloth and some go-go boots and belted the Donna Summer disco hit, "Let's Dance." The judges were practically sucking from her mammeries (and girlfriend is stacked!), but I thought she sounded a little shouty and almost out of breath. It wasn't bad, just not as good as some of her other performances. She's not going anywhere.

Chris Sligh - How is this mouth-breather still in the competition? Last week he was gasping for air and walking robotically through the audience, and this week he savaged The Police's "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic." He was out of breath, couldn't find the beat (which Gwen warned him about) and then gave lame ass excuses about picking the song late, blah, blah, blah. Is it my imagination or has he put on weight since the show started? He should be in the bottom two tomorrow.

Gina Glocksen - She did a fine job with my least favorite Pretender's song, "I'll Stand By You." She must have been taking notes from Haley last week and decided to work the streetwalker look, complete with boots and torn fishnets. The judges called it her best performance ever, which was seriously stretching the truth.

Phil Stacey - He sang The Police's "Every Breath You Take," and it should be his last. The judges liked it, but I thought it was a karaoke bore. I actually got up and went to the bathroom while he was singing. "Every piss I take..."

Haley Scarnato - Bitch...puh-leez. Last week you dressed like a streetwalker, and this week you upgraded to call girl, but you ruined Cyndi Lauper's solid gold hit, "True Colors." Didn't Gwen tell you not to fuck with the melody and just sing the damn song? She should be in the bottom two as well.

Melinda Doolittle - She must have raided the same dining room as Kiki for her dress, which was hideous. She sang Donna Summer's "Heaven Knows," but it was probably my least favorite performance by her. She sounded good, but it just didn't click with me. She's totally safe though.

Blake Lewis - He's so fucking smug now. He thinks everything he does is golden. He took The Cure's depressing but poppy "Love Song" and turned it into a dirge. I hated it. You could actually see his ego expanding when Paula told him he should be in the final two. Go back to the pills, Paula.

Jordin Sparks - Just a few weeks ago, it seemed that Sparky would be going home soon, but suddenly she's the anti-Kiki and Mindy Doo and being positioned to be at least in the top four. She sang Gwen's "Hey Baby," which I thought was a hot mess, lacking the energy of the original. Her voice was all over the place, yet Randy, Paula and Simon thought she was fabulous. They are so trying to influence the vote now. I hope the people at home can see through this.

Chris Richardson - He sang No Doubt's "Don't Speak," but it's more like don't sing through your nose. Gwen sings this with passion and Chris was flat and boring. She told him not to oversing it or fuck with the arrangement, but he did it anyway. Seems like nobody was giving Miss Stefani's advice any credence tonight. Chris was in the bottom two last week and could be there again.